Thursday, December 3, 2009 6:26 AM, CST
So there we go. We had a perfect little girl but the kidneys were severe enough to aid in her death. Her lungs were far from being matured, so even if she had done well during the birth, she would not have been able to breathe. In a way I am thankful that I didn't have to see my daughter struggle for breath. I still wished I could have met her, but that's the selfish side of me speaking. I know that she didn't suffer on this earth and that's good enough for me.
We talked to the doctor about future pregnancies and there is no increased risk for the baby to have the same diagnosis. I will be considered high risk until they see working kidneys, but that is absolutely fine with me. The doctor yesterday told me that they would do more ultrasounds this next time. I warned her I was going to be an incredibly anxious mommy and she said they would do what they could to put my mind at ease.
We still grieve daily for Kailee Rose- especially during these holidays -a piece of our hearts isn't with us anymore. One of our friends told us that we now have an investment in heaven. I've thought about this many times since he said it to us at Kailee's funeral. He's right. I am determined to ensure I get to heaven to meet our daughter!
We are still receiving cards and books almost everyday. It's amazing that they are still coming! Thank you all so much! We have a whole shelf of the bookshelf dedicated to Kailee's books. We have also made Kailee her very own Christmas tree. We've received ornaments from some people, and they go perfectly on her tree. Her tree skirt is a monkey blanket we received and there's a pink baby hat for the star. I smile when I look at it everyday.
We just want to thank everyone so much for everything you've done. Even just reading our updates has helped to instill our hope. We look at the counter and realize that our baby girl affected so many people. For those of you out there grieving ANYONE, please consider reading 2 books that are really helping Brent and myself. They're by Nancy Guthrie. The first is called "Holding onto Hope- A Pathway through Suffering Through the Heart of God." The second one is "The One Year Book of Hope." Nancy knows a lot about grief- especially of infants, though she writes her books so that anyone suffering any kind of grief can benefit. She lost her baby girl, Hope, from a genetic disease at 6 months old. They found out that there was a 25% chance of having other babies like Hope, so they opted for her husband to have a vasectomy. A year and half later, she was blessed with another child; a boy they named Gabriel. During prenatal testing they learned that he also had the genetic disease, and he lived 6 months and died. She is able to write in such a way that it helps me to see our whole situation so differently.
Anyway, I'm off on a tangent. We appreciate your support more than you ever will know!
Friday, November 20, 2009 11:51 AM, CST
The geneticist relayed that a majority of these pregnancies miscarry early. Wikipedia cited that 98% end in miscarriage before 20 weeks. In people who are born with it, the baby girl's have problems with fertility and short stature.
Kailee presented with severe problems with her kidneys. There were cysts present which prevented them from working correctly. Non working kidneys caused there to be no amniotic fluid which caused the lungs not to develop properly. She did have a bladder and working ureters. We were worried about that because it could never be found on the ultrasound.
One third- two thirds of these girls will present with kidney cysts and cystic hygroma's. Kailee had both. It also stated that the cystic hygroma's will go away prior to birth and extra skin will be present--- Kailee had that extra skin at the base of her neck.
The way I see it is Kailee Rose truly was a miracle for us. If 98% miscarry before 20 weeks, Kailee wasn't born until 28 weeks. We had at least 8 weeks with her that we shouldn't have had. Those 8 weeks were the most special because I got to feel her and get to know her. Brent got to feel her, too. We knew she was sick during those weeks, so we sang to her and played her music. We were able to be her parents. We were able to stick to our belief that life begins at conception and ends only when God says so, not man.
Kailee was brought into our lives for a reason. I say it over and over, but she has made us so much stronger as a couple, as a mom and dad, and as an everyday human. I like to think that she was our strong little girl. She never should have made it past 20 weeks, but she did. That, in itself, is a miracle.
We still go to our doctor on December 2nd. We will be able to think of more questions between now and then to ask her. We thank each and every one of you for taking the time to love and care for us and our daughter. We have felt God's presence this whole time and continue to feel it everyday.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 8:11 AM, CST
I had my first dream about her last night. It's weird, because in my dream she wasn't alive, but we never really knew her any other way. It was comforting to be able to see her in my dreams and hold her tiny little hand.
We have received books and cards from people we have never even met before. It's amazing how much one child can do who never even took a breath. I am proud of my daughter. One of the books we received is from someone we don't know, but it is helping me a lot. It's called "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. It's an 8 week bible study on the book of Job written by a mother who also lost her child. When I read it, it's as if I had written it. I would recommend it to anyone grieving a child.
We have 3 new trees in our yard in remembrance of Kailee Rose. My parents gave us a Crape Myrtle which will bloom in baby pink. Brent's mother gave us a pink dogwood and we also have a Sugar Maple in the backyard. During Kailee's funeral, the sugar maples were in such beautiful bloom. We won't ever be able to see that color tree without thinking of our daughter.
Last Wednesday was sort of yucky for us. Our kitty died. Scratch had been with us for over 2 years. She had feline leukemia. We knew she was sick- we found out in August. We had been giving her prednisone twice per day to fight off the tumor that had developed on her spine. We lost her sister back in July from the same disease. Sc
Most people are surprised to hear that we are excited about having more children. What we went through with Kailee was so terrible and beautiful at the same time. What I tell everyone is that I was awed by how much I loved Kailee the first time I held her. I felt protective, competent, strong, humbled and amazed at what we had created. I felt the mothering instinct so strongly- I still do. We will grieve Kailee everyday for the rest of our lives, but at the same time we are excited about having more children. It won't make us love her any less--- I guess parents feel like this when they decide to have their second child. We will find out results from the autopsy and genetic testing on December 2nd and plan from there.
I am so excited to check the mail everyday. We get at least one card per day and have been getting at least one book everyday. I love reading what people have to say to my little girl. I also am curious to see who has sent books-- a lot of people I have never met. It's pretty cool to get a book from someone I've never met and see how Kailee has impacted their life.
I went to church on Sunday for the first time. It was difficult being there for me. All I could think about was the funeral and I had to leave after service. I went to drive home, but ended up at the cemetary. I cried the whole way there-- inconsolabl
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 6:42 PM, CST
Centerstone (my employer) has been incredible during this time. I found out this week that people have donated their sick leave/ paid time off to me so that I don't have to return to work until January. I will continue to be paid which is such a blessing. I don't have to go back to before I'm ready to go back. I can't tell you how much this gives me peace of mind.
Since we started calling our daughter Kailee Bug, it seems that ladybugs are all over the place. They crawl over her grave when I'm there. They are in the car when I'm sad. It seems that I see 2-3 of them everyday. I like to think it's Kailee telling me that she's happy and alright. I know she's probably wondering why her dad and I are so sad all the time.
We continue to receive books and gifts in the mail everyday. It's just another wonderful reminder of how much we are loved and how much our daughter was loved.
People are asking how we are. I won't say we're fine, because we're not. We miss her every minute of every day. We are surviving and leaning on God, family and friends. This has brought Brent and I so much closer than I ever thought we could be. I meant what I said when I said that Kailee Bug taught me how to love her daddy more.
We continue to be thankful for everything people are doing to help us through this.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 11:09 PM, CST
Kailee's funeral was today. We want to thank everyone who attended and, for those that couldn't, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It's not the way things should be.
The day has been made easier to deal with through family and friends. We have been well taken care of these last few months. Our church family is providing us with cards, food and a shoulder to cry on. Our family has been here providing a lot of support. Friends have been coming to the house and taking care of everything that needs to be done. We haven't had to worry about anything except grieving our beautiful daughter. I can't even begin to express how much we want to thank each of you for helping see us through this.
I wanted to post my letter to Kailee on here, too. We will keep everyone updated as to how we are doing. We should have results back from the genetic tests at the beginning of December. Again, thank you all!
My Kailee Bug,
On May 14th of this year I began to feel something was different. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive so very quickly. I sat there staring at that pregnancy test absolutely terrified and overjoyed at the same time. Your daddy was upstairs. I put that little test behind my back and went up to tell him that you were on your way.
We were scared from the start; I won’t lie to you. We were scared, mostly, that something would happen to you. I prayed and prayed that if God was going to take you from me that He do it sooner rather than later. I prayed for your even before I ever knew your daddy. I vividly remember being a little girl pretending to hold a little baby named Kailee when I was around 10 or 11. I guess, in a way, you have always been my daughter.
Yo
I want to tell you about your daddy. He makes the BEST dinners. His smile tugs at my heart everytime I see it. He loves Kentucky sports more than anyone I know. He’s very kind. He’s creative. He really, truly loves people. He has such a strong faith in God that it has made my faith stronger just to know him. Your daddy always sees the good in every situation. He loves to sing silly songs to make me smile. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known and I have never wanted for anything. Your daddy likes to play games. He’s very competitive
When we found out you were sick, our lives came to a complete standstill. The doctor who told us was not very compassiona
Your daddy and I never gave up hope that we would meet you. You never took a breath your whole life, but you have taught me more than anyone could ever know.
You have taught me how much I love your daddy. It’s amazing. I thought I loved him as much as I could the day I married him--- I was wrong. There is so much more love there because of you that it’s almost overwhelmin
You have taught me that every life means something, no matter how small.
You have taught me patience. I had to be very patient to get pregnant with you. I had to be very patient to learn you were a girl. I had to be patient while I was in labor. I’m not usually the best with patience, but it seems you wanted me to learn that lesson. I have, baby girl, you have taught me well.
You have taught me that a mother can love a daughter so deeply even before meeting her.
Most importantly
The day you were born, you were so ready to meet us. The doctors told us it would be a long process. They were wrong. I was in labor about 8 hours total before you came into this world. The first time I laid eyes on you, I instantly fell head over heels in love. The doctors had prepared us for deformed limbs and a flat face-- many things that are, honestly, horrifying. I knew I would love you no matter what you looked like. My Kailee Rose, you were the most beautiful little girl I have even seen in my entire life. You looked liked a little version of your daddy. I loved touching your cute little button nose. Your mouth was formed into an actual heart, and I will never be able to forget your tiny little eyes. When I put my thumb in your hand, your tiny little fingers curled around mine. You had so much hair-- beautiful and black. Your ears were your daddy’s ears. I had really hoped you would get his ears. You got his toes, too. I couldn’t have pictured a more beautiful person. A mother’s instinct to love and care for her child is so amazing. YOU are so amazing.
It hurts so much that we won’t get to know you or care for you or watch you grow up. I try not to think about all the things that we won’t get to see you do because it hurts too much. I think of all the things you have already done for other people. We were able to show our faith in God to so many people. who would have never witnessed it elsewhere. I know that it will change someone’s life just hearing your story.
Peopl
God has shown his presence through this whole pregnancy. When I’ve been at my lowest, He has provided comfort. Do you remember meeting that 2nd grade little boy? He was born very sick and asked me one day if you were a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t know. He asked if I wanted you to be a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t care as long as our baby was healthy. He then asked “What if the baby isn’t healthy?” I told him “We’ll love our baby anyway.” He asked “What if your baby has to stay in the hospital for 100 days?” I told him we would love our baby anyway. He asked “What if your baby has to have lots and lots of operations?
Your daddy and I will remember you and love you everyday for the rest of our lives. Your sweet face and the way you fit in my arms will be forever burned into my memory. I love you more than you will ever know.
There’
I love you Kailee Rose.
Love, Mommy
Monday, November 2, 2009 8:24 PM, CST
The funeral arrangement
Walter Hill Church of Christ
7277 Lebanon Rd
Murfreesb
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:13 AM, CST
We are doing this with the intent of building a children's book library for any future children we will have. I want to be able to sit down with Kailee's little brothers or sisters and tell them that the book we are about to read is a gift from their beautiful, brave big sister, Kailee Rose.
Funeral arrangement
Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Sunday, November 1, 2009 11:53 AM, CST
Today everything is beginning to sink in for us. We were able to keep Kailee with us all night to memorize her face and take pictures. We had a wonderful photographe
She is just so beautiful. The doctors prepared us for deformed limbs and a tiny head. She had neither. Kailee Rose weighed in at a very good 3 pounds, 6oz. She was born at 10:45pm--- I had a direct view of clock. She was quite a bit bigger than anyone expected. Her limbs were all in tact. She has 10 precious little fingers and 10 of the cutest little toes. She gets her gorgeous looks from Brent. She had a full head of the darkest, black hair. Her lips are shaped in an adorable little heart and her eyes took our breath away. I know every mother brags on their little babies, but Kailee Rose was so much more than we ever expected.
We both fell in love with her, instantly. I became a mother and Brent became a father. It's amazing how quickly it happened. Our lives will never be the same just knowing her for the brief 6 months that I carried her. She has taught me that no matter what I sometimes think, God is always in control. I tell Brent over and over that God must think we can handle a lot because He has thrown a lot at us this year.
We have been so very lucky to have such a network of supportive friends and family that we know we can rely on. We have had so many people praying for us and our daughter. The next step is for Kailee to have testing done to determine, at least part of, the "why". I think it will give Brent and myself some comfort to get a diagnosis. We have also been talking about a memorial service/fun
We ask that we continue to keep us in your prayers. This part of the grief is so much harder than I ever anticipated
Sunday, November 1, 2009 1:36 AM, CDT
Saturday, October 31, 2009 9:36 PM, CDT
Saturday, October 31, 2009 8:17 PM, CDT
Saturday, October 31, 2009 5:40 PM, CDT
We enjoy reading all your guestbook messages. We will keep everyone updated.
Saturday, October 31, 2009 11:29 AM, CDT
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 6:12 PM, CDT
Kailee Rose Gerlach is expected sometime in January. She moved around throughout the ultrasound and even got in a few little kicks.
We were able to meet the hospice doctor, too. She was extremely nice and we immediately felt comfortable with her. She talked with us about what to expect at the birth. Right now doctors aren't expecting Kailee to live for more than a few minutes. Each time we hear that from people it hits us really hard. It's just not normal to hear that your child will die within minutes of being born. We continue to have a lot of hope for more than a few minutes. My ultimate goal still stands, despite what anyone says; I want to bring Kailee home to see her room.
I have another appointment tomorrow to meet with the high risk maternal fetal group for a regular check up. Our doctor in Murfreesbor
I am so incredibly excited to be excited! Today is the first day I really feel like a proud, new mom. I hope to figure out how to post pictures of ultrasounds under the picture tab so everyone can see the latest picture of our little girl. Right now it's telling me my picture size is too big.
Brent and I got a costume for little Kailee for Halloween. He pinned a little bat to my belly at Trunk or Treat on Saturday. We will dress her up again for Halloween! We're taking every holiday we can to celebrate
Friday, October 23, 2009 1:30 PM, CDT
We have survived another week. This has been a more difficult week for us to get through. The pain from Monday has gotten better, but I am still having trouble when I walk or stand a lot. When I put pressure on my left leg, I get shooting pains. It's also been uncomfortab
I've been having to learn how to have patience with myself. It's been pretty tough to realize that I have physical limitations this week and possibly through the remainder of the pregnancy. A lot of people have been checking with me to see how I am doing. Most
The baby continues to kick. They get stronger and more pronounced everyday. I am really hoping that when I have my ultrasound next week, the baby will reveal its gender!
We have picked out paint samples and just need to finalize our color choice for the baby room. Our theme is the "Monkey Pop" theme from Babies R Us. I know I'm biased, but I think it's the cutest theme out of all of them!
We had the sweetest surprise yesterday afternoon. Brent got home and in the mail was a stuffed monkey addressed to us. There was no return address or note so we're not even sure who to thank. If you sent it, I hope you're reading. We appreciate it so much! We've named him "Chuck the Chimp" and he is yet another reminder that our baby is real and loved.
We continue to pray and be thankful fo
Monday, October 19, 2009 3:44 PM, CDT
I
Brent was finally able to feel the baby move yesterday morning. It was really amazing to be able to share that with him. Baby Gerlach punched really hard so that daddy could feel. When they had me on the monitor at the hospital, the baby was moving a lot, too. It was really neat because I would feel the baby kick, and then I would hear it on the machine. That's the most Baby Gerlach has kicked at one time. I think he/she was trying to tell me that everything was fine. It's amazing how much this unborn child has taught us and I look forward to learning what else he/she has to teach us.
Saturday, October 17, 2009 9:29 AM, CDT
Our week this week was challenging. We met with the social worker from the Monarch Program at Alive Hospice yesterday. They are wonderful and have so many insights to help make the birth go as smoothly as possible. There will be so many people on our team supporting us and we are so thankful for this service. Brent and I still have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions still to make, but God will be there to help us.
One thing that I hadn't even thought about was the possibility of bringing home the baby--- even for a few hours. Our hospice worker talked about another family who was able to bring home their child for a short period of time. (that child had a different diagnosis, but still). This makes me even more excited to get the baby room ready. Even if Brandon or Kailee only spend a few minutes in their room, it will be more than worth it! This is the goal I am working for. I want the baby to see the room we've made especially for him/her.
We have been talking this week about how to paint the baby room. Hopefully, we will pick our paint this weekend and get started. We received the remainder of the bedding and it is hanging proudly in our living room. Looking at that monkey peeking back at me makes me smile everytime.
We continue to be thankful for all the cards and prayers we have received. Thank you so much for all the support you are providing. Without you guys, this would all be so much more difficult than it already is.
Thursday, October 15, 2009 1:23 PM, CDT
Last Wednesday when I woke up there was a song that I know from church that was in my head. As I thought through the words it just seemed apporpriate to the situation, so I would like to share them with you. Thanks again for everything.
Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul; The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord;
When disappointm
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009 8:01 AM, CDT
If the baby is a girl, we are naming her Kailee Rose. There's nothing really significant about the name Kailee, other than Brent and I really like it. Rose is after my grandmother on my mom's side. My grandmother was a pretty cool person who spoiled me rotten! She died in January of 2004, so having a baby girl in January 2010 only seemed to fit for a middle name.
If the baby is a boy, we are naming him Brandon Carson. Carson is a name Brent and I decided would go well with the name Brandon- it really doesn't have any significanc
On that note, we are trying very hard to stay positive about this pregnancy. It's been sort of strange not wanting to see baby things or buy baby clothes when I'm 25 weeks pregnant. Brent and I have talked and we have decided that we are going to keep the most positive outlook that we can. God can snap His fingers and heal our baby if He wants to. We have to do our part. We've decided that our part involves making a baby room. It may sound strange to some people, but it's what we need to do. We've decided on a very cute monkey theme. I got the first blanket and crib sheet delivered yesterday. As I was standing over the box about to open it, I felt this incredible sense of anxiety about how I would react to seeing the first baby item we bought for a baby who may not live. After opening the package, I was surprised at how excited and full of hope I was! It was amazing. So we are decorating a baby room upstairs, knowing that if our baby does die, we can shut the door and grieve.
Meanwhile, we are continuing to pray and taking it one day at a time. Thank you all for your cards and words of encourageme
Friday, October 9, 2009 5:45 PM, CDT
Our doctor has decided that since we are planning on giving birth at Vanderbilt, she wants to transfer all of our care there. She called Dr. Boehm at Vanderbilt, and they will be taking over my care for the remainder of the pregnancy. This is a good thing, as it is really hard for me to go to doctor's appointment
The baby has chosen this week to get really active. It's comforting and sad all in the same moment. Baby moved most of the day yesterday and then calmed down around 8pm. Around midnight, I was awakened by the tiny little kicks and they kept me up most of the night. We have a little night owl!
This next week is Fall Break at school. I still have to work, but it's not as intense a schedule as I have been keeping. I am very thankful for the week of decreased work.
Our next appointment has been changed. We will not see Dr. Boehm on Thursday, October 29th at 9:30am with an ultrasound afterwards. We appreciate all your cards and notes in the guestbook. It helps to keep up our spirits. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
Sunday, October 4, 2009 6:15 PM, CDT
I'm enjoying every pregnancy symptom. I am hungry all the time. The nurse asked me at our appointment how many meals I eat each day, and I was a little embarassed to answer! Seems like I'm always hungry. The baby is moving, too. It gives me such comfort to feel him/her moving around. Hopefully the movements will get stronger so that Brent will be able to feel, too. He has a calming effect on our little one. Everytime baby moves and Brent lays his hand on my belly, the baby will stop moving. We are thankful for every movement and every bout of heartburn! :-)
God is providing for us- we continue to see it on a daily basis through friends and family. I have been able to connect with other moms who are going through similar situations or have been through similar situations. It's amazing how we all go through the same emotions, and it makes me not feel so alone to talk with others who have been here.
We have our 6 month check up on Friday with our regular OB. She will do glucose testing that day. Our next appt with the high risk OB is October 28th where we will have another ultrasound and be able to see baby again.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and notes in our guestbook. Brent and I check the guestbook daily and enjoy reading words of encourageme
Wednesday, September 30, 2009 4:14 PM, CDT
It seems like we know less now than before all of this. There are multiple possibiliti
What we do know is the doctor says that there is a 0% chance of survival. Our baby still has the cysts in the kidneys and is producing no amniotic fluid. In addition, the baby has a cystic hygroma---- essentially it's another cyst coming out of the back of the baby's neck.
The doctors and staff were wonderful in making referrals. We will be set up with the Monarch Program (prenatal hospice) which will take us through the steps of getting through the birth. We still have the option to induce, but after talking about it, Brent and I have decided that God has started this baby's heart and it's His decision as to when it stops, not ours. We believe that God is good and that he has a plan- whether it's for our baby to live or whether it's for us to grow stronger as a couple.
That is what we know right now. We just ask that everyone continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 1:35 PM, CDT
Tomorrow is our appointment with Vanderbilt. We are excited to meet with the doctor's there and to decide where we go from here. The baby is still kicking me-- especially after Mexican food-- and even though it hurts sometimes, it makes me so happy to feel it.
Please keep us and the doctors in your prayers. Our appointment is at 12:30, 1:30 and 2:00. I will post an update tomorrow night after we get home.
Sunday, September 27, 2009 1:14 PM, CDT
We have decided to start a website to get information out as efficiently as we can. We've used this site before and it is amazing how connected we felt during the whole time our friend was sick.
Brent and I went for our 20 week ultrasound and found out the amniotic fluid was "a little low". We were sent the next week for another ultrasound, and at that time, our baby was diagnosed with autosomal recessive PKD. This is a devastating disease for an unborn baby, and we were told that our baby had a minimal chance of survival. http://kidn
PKD diagnosed before birth essentially means that the baby's kidneys are filled with cysts. The cysts make it impossible for the kidneys to work correctly and the kidneys make amniotic fluid. the amniotic fluid helps to develop baby's lungs and acts as a cushion for the baby, too. We were told that the baby will not have much room to grow and the lungs will have a hard time developing. More than likely, I will carry the baby full term. I have no higher risk for preterm labor than any other pregnant mother.
We decided to get a 2nd opinion from Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. Our appointment is this Wednesday where we are scheduled to have an ultrasound with a high risk OB, then we will see a neonatologi
Our decision to carry this baby to term was made fairly easily. This is our baby and we are going to give it every chance that we can to help him/her survive. We still don't know whether it's a boy or a girl. Every ultrasound, the baby keeps his/her legs crossed.
We are amazed by the support of friends and families. We have been put on so many prayer lists and people are just surrounding us with so much love. It helps to make this situation easier knowing that so many people are pulling for us and little baby Gerlach. There are too many people for us to thank, but we hope that you know we appreciate the support so much!
I will update this site regularly to keep everyone updated. Please feel free to sign our guestbook. Encouraging messages are welcome!
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