My Kailee Bug,
On May 14th of this year I began to feel something was different. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive so very quickly. I sat there staring at that pregnancy test absolutely terrified and overjoyed at the same time. Your daddy was upstairs. I put that little test behind my back and went up to tell him that you were on your way.
We were scared from the start; I won’t lie to you. We were scared, mostly, that something would happen to you. I prayed and prayed that if God was going to take you from me that He do it sooner rather than later. I prayed for your even before I ever knew your daddy. I vividly remember being a little girl pretending to hold a little baby named Kailee when I was around 10 or 11. I guess, in a way, you have always been my daughter.
You made your presence known to me 6 weeks ago. I felt that little movement and it made me love you even more. I got to learn how much you like a big, tall glass of orange juice in the morning. I will NEVER drink a red slushie without thinking of you. My favorite time of the day is right before bed. You became the most active and I could fall asleep, knowing you were safe inside me.
I want to tell you about your daddy. He makes the BEST dinners. His smile tugs at my heart everytime I see it. He loves Kentucky sports more than anyone I know. He’s very kind. He’s creative. He really, truly loves people. He has such a strong faith in God that it has made my faith stronger just to know him. Your daddy always sees the good in every situation. He loves to sing silly songs to make me smile. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known and I have never wanted for anything. Your daddy likes to play games. He’s very competitive, so I know that when I win, I earned it. Your daddy is a very good person to have around in an emergency. I have known every minute that your daddy loves me-- just as he loves you.
When we found out you were sick, our lives came to a complete standstill. The doctor who told us was not very compassionate. He came in and told me, while I was lying on the ultrasound table, that you had “minimal chance of survival.” These words are burned into my memory.-mostly because I didn’t believe them. It was in those moments that I became the mother that I am today. I fought for you so hard. We found the best set of doctors we could and explored every possible avenue to make you better.
Your daddy and I never gave up hope that we would meet you. You never took a breath your whole life, but you have taught me more than anyone could ever know.
You have taught me how much I love your daddy. It’s amazing. I thought I loved him as much as I could the day I married him--- I was wrong. There is so much more love there because of you that it’s almost overwhelming.
You have taught me that every life means something, no matter how small.
You have taught me patience. I had to be very patient to get pregnant with you. I had to be very patient to learn you were a girl. I had to be patient while I was in labor. I’m not usually the best with patience, but it seems you wanted me to learn that lesson. I have, baby girl, you have taught me well.
You have taught me that a mother can love a daughter so deeply even before meeting her.
Most importantly, you taught me how to be a mommy.
The day you were born, you were so ready to meet us. The doctors told us it would be a long process. They were wrong. I was in labor about 8 hours total before you came into this world. The first time I laid eyes on you, I instantly fell head over heels in love. The doctors had prepared us for deformed limbs and a flat face-- many things that are, honestly, horrifying. I knew I would love you no matter what you looked like. My Kailee Rose, you were the most beautiful little girl I have even seen in my entire life. You looked liked a little version of your daddy. I loved touching your cute little button nose. Your mouth was formed into an actual heart, and I will never be able to forget your tiny little eyes. When I put my thumb in your hand, your tiny little fingers curled around mine. You had so much hair-- beautiful and black. Your ears were your daddy’s ears. I had really hoped you would get his ears. You got his toes, too. I couldn’t have pictured a more beautiful person. A mother’s instinct to love and care for her child is so amazing. YOU are so amazing.
It hurts so much that we won’t get to know you or care for you or watch you grow up. I try not to think about all the things that we won’t get to see you do because it hurts too much. I think of all the things you have already done for other people. We were able to show our faith in God to so many people. who would have never witnessed it elsewhere. I know that it will change someone’s life just hearing your story.
People keep saying that your daddy and I are brave. We don’t feel brave. We feel like parents doing the best we know how to do for our little girl. There’s no bravery in that- God is in that. God has wrapped His arms around your daddy and myself. He is carrying us right now because we don’t have the strength to stand on our own. God is carrying you, too. He is loving you and watching over you in the best way.
God has shown his presence through this whole pregnancy. When I’ve been at my lowest, He has provided comfort. Do you remember meeting that 2nd grade little boy? He was born very sick and asked me one day if you were a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t know. He asked if I wanted you to be a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t care as long as our baby was healthy. He then asked “What if the baby isn’t healthy?” I told him “We’ll love our baby anyway.” He asked “What if your baby has to stay in the hospital for 100 days?” I told him we would love our baby anyway. He asked “What if your baby has to have lots and lots of operations?” I told him that we would love our baby anyway. He then went on to say “That’s what my momma says about me.” God provides comfort at the perfect time in the perfect way.
Your daddy and I will remember you and love you everyday for the rest of our lives. Your sweet face and the way you fit in my arms will be forever burned into my memory. I love you more than you will ever know.
There’s a song I want played today. We heard it for the first time together in the car on the way to work. The words in the song gave me such hope for your life and it made me stronger every time that I heard it.
I love you Kailee Rose.
Love, Mommy
On May 14th of this year I began to feel something was different. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive so very quickly. I sat there staring at that pregnancy test absolutely terrified and overjoyed at the same time. Your daddy was upstairs. I put that little test behind my back and went up to tell him that you were on your way.
We were scared from the start; I won’t lie to you. We were scared, mostly, that something would happen to you. I prayed and prayed that if God was going to take you from me that He do it sooner rather than later. I prayed for your even before I ever knew your daddy. I vividly remember being a little girl pretending to hold a little baby named Kailee when I was around 10 or 11. I guess, in a way, you have always been my daughter.
You made your presence known to me 6 weeks ago. I felt that little movement and it made me love you even more. I got to learn how much you like a big, tall glass of orange juice in the morning. I will NEVER drink a red slushie without thinking of you. My favorite time of the day is right before bed. You became the most active and I could fall asleep, knowing you were safe inside me.
I want to tell you about your daddy. He makes the BEST dinners. His smile tugs at my heart everytime I see it. He loves Kentucky sports more than anyone I know. He’s very kind. He’s creative. He really, truly loves people. He has such a strong faith in God that it has made my faith stronger just to know him. Your daddy always sees the good in every situation. He loves to sing silly songs to make me smile. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known and I have never wanted for anything. Your daddy likes to play games. He’s very competitive, so I know that when I win, I earned it. Your daddy is a very good person to have around in an emergency. I have known every minute that your daddy loves me-- just as he loves you.
When we found out you were sick, our lives came to a complete standstill. The doctor who told us was not very compassionate. He came in and told me, while I was lying on the ultrasound table, that you had “minimal chance of survival.” These words are burned into my memory.-mostly because I didn’t believe them. It was in those moments that I became the mother that I am today. I fought for you so hard. We found the best set of doctors we could and explored every possible avenue to make you better.
Your daddy and I never gave up hope that we would meet you. You never took a breath your whole life, but you have taught me more than anyone could ever know.
You have taught me how much I love your daddy. It’s amazing. I thought I loved him as much as I could the day I married him--- I was wrong. There is so much more love there because of you that it’s almost overwhelming.
You have taught me that every life means something, no matter how small.
You have taught me patience. I had to be very patient to get pregnant with you. I had to be very patient to learn you were a girl. I had to be patient while I was in labor. I’m not usually the best with patience, but it seems you wanted me to learn that lesson. I have, baby girl, you have taught me well.
You have taught me that a mother can love a daughter so deeply even before meeting her.
Most importantly, you taught me how to be a mommy.
The day you were born, you were so ready to meet us. The doctors told us it would be a long process. They were wrong. I was in labor about 8 hours total before you came into this world. The first time I laid eyes on you, I instantly fell head over heels in love. The doctors had prepared us for deformed limbs and a flat face-- many things that are, honestly, horrifying. I knew I would love you no matter what you looked like. My Kailee Rose, you were the most beautiful little girl I have even seen in my entire life. You looked liked a little version of your daddy. I loved touching your cute little button nose. Your mouth was formed into an actual heart, and I will never be able to forget your tiny little eyes. When I put my thumb in your hand, your tiny little fingers curled around mine. You had so much hair-- beautiful and black. Your ears were your daddy’s ears. I had really hoped you would get his ears. You got his toes, too. I couldn’t have pictured a more beautiful person. A mother’s instinct to love and care for her child is so amazing. YOU are so amazing.
It hurts so much that we won’t get to know you or care for you or watch you grow up. I try not to think about all the things that we won’t get to see you do because it hurts too much. I think of all the things you have already done for other people. We were able to show our faith in God to so many people. who would have never witnessed it elsewhere. I know that it will change someone’s life just hearing your story.
People keep saying that your daddy and I are brave. We don’t feel brave. We feel like parents doing the best we know how to do for our little girl. There’s no bravery in that- God is in that. God has wrapped His arms around your daddy and myself. He is carrying us right now because we don’t have the strength to stand on our own. God is carrying you, too. He is loving you and watching over you in the best way.
God has shown his presence through this whole pregnancy. When I’ve been at my lowest, He has provided comfort. Do you remember meeting that 2nd grade little boy? He was born very sick and asked me one day if you were a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t know. He asked if I wanted you to be a boy or a girl. I told him I didn’t care as long as our baby was healthy. He then asked “What if the baby isn’t healthy?” I told him “We’ll love our baby anyway.” He asked “What if your baby has to stay in the hospital for 100 days?” I told him we would love our baby anyway. He asked “What if your baby has to have lots and lots of operations?” I told him that we would love our baby anyway. He then went on to say “That’s what my momma says about me.” God provides comfort at the perfect time in the perfect way.
Your daddy and I will remember you and love you everyday for the rest of our lives. Your sweet face and the way you fit in my arms will be forever burned into my memory. I love you more than you will ever know.
There’s a song I want played today. We heard it for the first time together in the car on the way to work. The words in the song gave me such hope for your life and it made me stronger every time that I heard it.
I love you Kailee Rose.
Love, Mommy