I have recently been experiencing a lot of anger. It can come out a different times with different people in different ways. I was reading our lesson this week for our GriefShare program. One of the journal topics is "Whom are you angry with and why?"

Sheesh.... I have absolutely no clue how to answer this one. I know I'm angry, but it's not directed towards a certain person. I'm just angry about the whole situation. I'm angry that we don't have a 4 week old right now. That's nobody's fault. It's just something that happened--- a fluke, really. If I really am telling myself the truth, I'm actually angry with God. I feel guilty for being angry with God, but I am. I feel like He might strike me down. I'm not blaming Him for anything, but I just don't understand the bigger picture. It's easy to trust Him when times are good, but, when they are bad, that is a testament to strong faith.

Kailee's gravestone was put in this week. It is beautiful. It is causing conflicting feelings. We have been "waiting" for the gravestone to come. Now that it's here, there's nothing left for us to physically do. That leaves me focusing on finishing her room. I wonder what I will do when I run out of things to "do" for Kailee.

Ladybugs have been surrounding me all week! It's amazing, really. I've found at least 3 in the house. I caught one of the kittens trying to knock one off, and I yelled at the kitten! I was AMAZED how protective I felt of a silly little ladybug! I see reminders of Kailee on a regular basis this week. It's very comforting. I feel like she's just reaching out and saying "It's okay to be sad, mommy." I read a quote somewhere that I really liked. I wish I could remember where I read it.... It more or less is a prayer to God. "I wasn't able to hold her in my arms and tell her about you, Lord, but will you hold her in Your arms and tell her about me?" How sweet is that image? To think of Kailee on God's knee being told stories about her parents?

I had another dream about Kailee this week. It was so sweet. I dreamt that she was in heaven playing in the clouds. She was playing with another baby of one of my "mommy friends." She plopped right up to him and kissed him on the forehead and then giggled. It was so cute! I believe I miss her more and more everyday.

Brent and I are attending that GriefShare program. I really like it so far. It has a lot of practical information that we can use. They recommended writing a grief letter to people to help them understand what you need. The grief letter should address 3 main things:

1. Describe what you have experienced and how you are feeling about it.

2. Let people know what they can expect from you in your current state.

3. Give your friends instructions on what they can do to help during this time. Let them know what is needed and when it is needed.

I wrote one this morning and will be updating it periodically as I improve with my grief. It's sort of like a roadmap of how to best support me. It totally makes me sound like self-centered to say that, but maybe I need to be more self-centered right now. I made a separate tab for grief letters, so you can always find my most current one there.

I've been using the word "selfish" a lot lately. When I tell people we decided not to celebrate the holidays, I always add "we decided to be selfish this year." It's become sort of a habit. I've said it a few times during counseling sessions, and this last time I said it, I got "the lecture" about how we are not being selfish at all. I needed to hear that.

I've always done what's expected of me. I've always tried to do what's right. I've always tried to just take care of other people and have neglected myself because I thought it was "Selfish" to take care of myself instead of others. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's not "selfish" to take care of yourself when you need it.

I keep looking at dates and think "I'll be okay after Christmas" or "I'll be okay after Kailee's due date passes." Those days pass, and it doesn't magically get better. I'm coming to realize that this will last so much longer than  I ever thought it would. We will never be a "whole" family again. Someone is missing.

So maybe I need to lower my expectations. Isn't that how we get disappointed? We expect a certain amount, and when we don't get it, we are disappointed? I EXPECT to be "better" by now. On those days when I'm not "better", it discourages me. Maybe I need to change my expectations. "I EXPECT that this will hurt for many years to come, and I EXPECT unpredictable emotions at unpredictable times." Just changing that thought process might make those times I do get upset a little bit better.

I was thinking about all the different roles I have played in my life. Not in a movies or plays or anything, but just in normal, everyday situations. I've been a daughter; I've been a "good girl"; I've been a comedian; i'm a wife..... etc. I've recently added "bereaved mother" to the list. That is DEFINITELY not something I would have chosen. I know that I can be myself around certain people.... I know that I can say whatever is on my mind when talking with Brent, and he won't get his feelings hurt. That's part of what makes him awesome! I know I can talk with my BFF, and she won't get her feelings hurt. I like to act silly and crazy around both of them. I CHOOSE to act that way around them, because that's who I am! I like to be funny. I like random, corny jokes. I even like jokes about people farting! (Don't tell anyone!) :-) There are certain places I would never act this way, though. I would never act that way in church or at work. It's just not appropriate. I "put on my mask" to go to church. Same thing with work. I have to have a professional demeanor with the adults I work with. (Now with the little ones, it's a different story..... but, again, a different mask,)

Recently I have had to pretend that I'm normal. Come on, let's face it. No one REALLY wants to get into that akward conversation about "how are you doing since your baby died?" It's not normal conversation. So, I pretend that everything is getting back to "normal" at work and church and school...etc. People think I'm doing very well with my grief; I think I'm doing well with my grief...... Grief is a funny thing, though. Just when you think you're truckin' along, BAM, out of nowhere it hits you like a semi-truck. These are the times where I have the most trouble..... those steps back really discourage me. If it happens at work (I see a pregnant woman, or hear about someone else being pregnant),  I have a work VERY hard to hide what I truly anm feeling. I'm pretending. I'm putting on my mask to make sure that other people are comfortable and the subject of my dead baby won't silence a room full of people.

I am also put into the role of the caretaker. Sometimes when people come to ask how I am, I feel like I end up taking care of them instead of the other way around. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. It is a very uncomfortable situation to be in--- on BOTH ends. I totally understand that. I don't know how to fix it, but I do know it's caused more than one very long, akward silence. 

So, I will go back to work again tomorrow wearing my "I'm fine that my baby died" mask. I'm just glad I can take it off around those closest to me and just  be myself.

I'm really glad this week is over. It was a difficult week to get through and I just want to relax with my hubby. Obviously the anger has reared its ugly head this week. I've pretty much been angry all the time. I learned this week that this amount of anger is normal--- it's comparable to the amount that I love Kailee. It's strange having so much trouble controlling emotions. Grief is a funny thing.

We started Griefshare at our church this week. I'm glad we did and I wish more people would take the time to do this for themselves. Time doesn't heal..... processing through grief does, as hard as it is. I don't want to be a person who is hurting this bad in 3 or 4 years..... I want to deal with it now. I know it will hurt the rest of my life, but I'm hoping it won't interfere with my daily activities.

As time passes, it seems (to me) that more and more people are just forgetting Kailee. That makes me sad. People talk about her less. I don't know if that's more because they're scared of making me sad or if they're just not thinking about the fact that I have a daughter. Either way, the rest of the world has gone back to "normal" and my world continues to stand still. I'm watching weeks and months pass so slowly and quickly at the same time.

We SHOULD have a baby by now. We SHOULD have Kailee. I should be holding Kailee RIGHT NOW instead of just constantly thinking about her and writing about her. Her room should have already been completed and in use! I should be on maternity leave. We should be celebrating Valentine's Day with our little one. Friends and family should be over here to celebrate our new addition. So many things SHOULD be happening right now that just aren't. Instead, I'm sitting at home by myself. Today is an angry day. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry at anyone who moves or even breathes. I'm angry at all the people who get to have babies. I'm even angry with God today. It's February 1st. We were definitely supposed to have a baby by today.

I didn't know that the changing of the months would affect me this much. I am bitter. I am. I'm pissed that I have to  worry about getting pregnant again instead of taking care of my daughter. I've done ENOUGH worrying about getting pregnant. That part should be over! I should be at the good part by now! I know anger is normal.... I've been expecting it. I'm not sure if it's better than being deeply and profoundly sad or not.