It's official. I am 4 weeks pregnant today. If all goes well, our due date will be January 7, 2011. It's strange being pregnant again. I've had a few episodes of nausea and some heartburn. The biggest thing I've noticed is I just feel hot ALL THE TIME. Don't get me wrong--- under no circumstances am I complaining about any of these symptons. It sounds odd, but all of them give me comfort that things are going alright.

I like that we've decided to share with people. I already feel more supported. I can't tell you how many people ask everyday how I'm feeling. It takes off a lot of the stress.

I can't help but wonder what it would be like if we still had Kailee. She would make such an awesome big sister! I don't know if I've ever written about this on here, but when I picture Kailee, I picture a bossy little girl. I'm not sure why!!!! Is that mean of me as a mother? To think my baby girl would have been bossy? :-)

I went to the cemetary on Monday and introduced Chicken Mini to KaileeBug. I know she's not here, but it makes me feel better to do this. I've started trying to talk with chicken mini on my way to work..... This is something I used to do with kailee all the time, and I look back on those conversations with  happiness now. It was "mommy/daughter" time. One of the main reasons I'm "talking" to this little one so early is that many women who have been through traumatic pregnancy loss have a really hard time bonding with another baby while pregnant. I don't want to regret anything, so I've decided to just start doing what I do when I'm pregnant--- even this early.

April was the month we got pregnant with Kailee. I love April--- spring is just beginning, thunderstorms are looming! There's nothing like sitting safe inside your house watching a nice, loud thunderstorm!

April is also our lucky month. We found out yesterday that I am, again, pregnant. Fourth time's a charm???? Many, many emotions are swirling around in my brain. I am scared, happy, terrified, elated, anxious and just all around emotional!

So I guess you've figured out we've decided to tell. I SWEAR I had NO IDEA when I wrote the last post that I was pregnant.... I know what you're thinking, "thou doth protest too much", but I promise! :-0

So now the waiting game begins. The doc put me on a supplement today that's supposed to help, and I am scheduled in June for the first ultrasound. God willing, we will be holding our child in our arms January 2011. Brent and I have decided to refer to our little one as "Chicken Mini" cuz I LOVE chicken mini's from Chick-Fil-A!!!!!

Brent and I were talking about the miscarriage last night. We've been trying to decide what to do next time I get pregnant---- NOOOO, I am not pregnant right now! We've told people early (the first pregnancy) and we've waited until 10 weeks (Kailee) and we told no one about the 3rd pregnancy that ended in miscarriage except for close family and friends---- of course that means YOU, because you are reading my blog. Thank you for caring enough about us to check in. I can't tell you how much it means to see that AT LEAST 20 people per day look at Kailee's site.

Brent brought up a good point. My gut reaction is to wait and tell people until the kid is actually born and given a clean bill of health! I know that's not really feasible, but it's the gut reaction I have. I'm trying to protect people from all the heartache involved in trying to have a child. Brent was talking last night about how life begins at conception according to our beliefs. Why then are we not celebrating that and telling people? Aren't our friends supposed to be happy with us when we are happy? They've definitely been sad with us when we've been sad. The third miscarriage was the COMPLETE opposite of Kailee. I can probably count on 2 hands the number of people who even knew I miscarried. It's so sad that a life was lost. Is that life any less important than Kailee's life who we shared with everyone?

So that's my conundrum. We haven't decided what we're going to do--- I'm not pregnant right now, so it's not really a pressing issue, but it is something we've been thinking about.

Kailee's dresser came yesterday. We assembled it last night and it is now in her room. Her little room is now pink with a cute wallpaper border. We've set up the crib, changing table and dresser. I've also put a bookshelf in there filled with all the books that people added to our "In Memory of Kailee" library. There are cloth diapers in the changing table and decorations on Kailee's dresser--- mostly things that came from people after she died like stuffed monkey's. It's beautiful and peaceful in there, and I LOVE it. It brings me such a sense of calm to know that she was here on this earth.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is how insensitive some people can be. I don't want to write about specifics on here because I'm not sure who is reading, but it amazes me how quickly people can forget to put their brain in gear before they open their mouths.

I think the reason that I am so sensitive about this topic is because I'm not pregnant. I'm very, very frustrated that we don't have a baby to bring home by this point. We started trying October 2007 for goodness sake! It's frustrating to be out of control of a situation.

So there are my random thoughts for the week.It's started hailing, so I'd better go look at a weather report!

Have I ever talked about how wonderful my husband is? He is amazing and kind and understanding.... I was listening to "our song" on the radio today and wanted to write a post on the lyrics.

The Luckiest by BenFolds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

We were in the car one day and he told me he heard a song that reminded me of him. It had me in tears before the end was over. I am the luckiest to have him choose me.  

April 20th..... the date probably doesn't sound familiar to anyone else. I could probably shout it out in a room full of people I know, and no one would think twice about it. Why is this date considered an anniversary for me? I quoted it countless times during my pregnancy with Kailee. It's the date of my last menstrual period. Who would have thought I'd be thinking about that date? But I am. It's another anniversary. I want to go back in time and tell myself what's going to happen sometimes. Maybe then I can be more prepared for the roller coaster ahead.

Tennessee has passed legislation to issue stillbirth certificates to mommies and daddies who have gone through stillbirths. It is still pending the governor's signature, but no hold ups are anticipated. We will be able to request a certificate for Kailee. Some of you are probably wondering why that is so important. It makes us feel more like she was actually here. Walking out of Vanderbilt 11 hours after giving birth to Kailee, wearing the dress I came to the hospital in, and having no baby with me after that experience is...........well, I can't think of a word to describe how painful and deeply, profoundly sad I felt.

Our appointment was a waste of time, unfortunately. We got there and the geneticist began talking about Kailee. I'm not sure why--- we know why she died. I asked her about the miscarriages. Do you know what she said? They don't start looking at stuff until 3 miscarriages, and we already knew why Kailee died, so she doesn't factor into that equation. I've gotten to the point now where I'm ready to just say "well, next time I miscarry....." Isn't that sad? It's very sad. We work to hard to get pregnant and then I expect for something to go wrong!

I was thinking about this all week wondering why I'm so negative. Part of it is because I'm just so sad, but another part is that I've never had a successful pregnancy. I've been pregnant 3 different times. We have no baby in our home right now. I have never actually brought home a baby to care for. I think that's a big reason for why I'm feeling so negative about the whole situation.

Kailee's room is beautiful. I moved a  bookshelf in there this morning and filled them with all of the books we received from everyone in the last 6 months or so! It's amazingly beautiful. I hope Kailee likes it.

I had no idea that Easter would be hard. Honestly, I really didn't think it would be that big of a deal. All I could think about the whole day was that Brent and I should have been "the easter bunny" this year. Where did that come from? I didn't worry about that around Christmas. I think part of why it is so hard may be that all my friends who have had babies in the last year keep posting pictures of their babies with their cute little Easter outfits and holding little easter eggs.

There it is. Jealousy, plain and simple. I am incredibly jealous of everyone who is pregnant and everyone who has babies. I am trying so hard to be content with what I have. I love Brent. I love our life together. Kailee is missing, though. She will always be missing from my life.

We have an appointment tomorrow with the genetic counselor. I'm not sure what we'll be talking about, exactly, but I do know that the regular doctor recommended it now that I've had another miscarriage. They won't start really testing until I've had 3 miscarriages. Kailee "doesn't count" because we know why she died. That has put a bitter taste in my mouth---- why should ANY woman have to go through at least 3 miscarriages before someone will start trying to find out what's wrong? Seriously? Whoever made up that rule never suffered a pregnancy loss- I guarantee it.