Colson is 5 months old today. I can hardly believe how quickly time is going by. After Kailee died, time seemed to drag on and on. Colson is keeping us very busy, that's for sure. He is rolling over and laughing. His laugh makes me smile. I can't help myself. It's uninhibited joy.

I have to say how strange it feels to laugh. I hadn't realized how much I was sad until I was happy again. Don't get me wrong, I still have a deep hole in my heart, but Colson is acting as a great distraction.

I've survived going back to work. It wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Saying goodbye to Colson is hard, but not as hard as saying goodbye to Kailee. With Colson, I know I will see him again in a few hours.

I still find myself wondering a lot what Kailee would have been like. I don't know how to stop doing that. I see a child that would have been around her age and I just imagine. Would she wear pigtails? What would her laugh sound like?

Mother's Day.... a day I've dreaded every year for the last 3 years. I was surprised by my reaction this year. I actually looked forward to it, but when the day finally got here, I felt this huge hole in my heart. I love that Colson was here with me, but our family is not complete. Kailee was missing. Brent was great and got a special card from Kailee. I love him for that. But the fact of the matter is that my little girl wasn't able to be here with me to celebrate this day. Needless to say, my mood wasn't the greatest yesterday. I'm going to have to work to make sure that isn't the case for future mother's day celebrations.

Leading up to Mother's Day was interesting. I can't tell you how many people wished me a "Happy First Mother's Day." SERIOUSLY? I feel like I spend my life reminding people that Kailee was here and she was my daughter. Why do I have to keep doing that? Seriously? Why do I have to remind people that I have been through labor and delivery of another child besides Colson?

I was so lucky to be able to have my mother still with me this Mother's Day. I know there are so many people out there in this world whose mother's have died. Does that mean those people don't have a mother? Of course not! Just because someone died doesn't mean that relationship never existed. I saw so many people mourning over the loss of their mother's yesterday in Facebook posts. It seems to me that the mother's who have lost babies on Mother's Day can sometimes get overlooked. That makes me sad.

I'm not really sure what point I'm aiming to make in this post or where I want to end up, but I felt the need to just vent and get it out. The truth about yesterday? I love that I have my son with me, but I missed my daughter so much.