Today has just been bad. I'm not sure what the trigger was... or even if there is one. I've been crying most of the morning. Colson thinks I'm laughing when I'm crying, so he "laughs" with me. It is so strange to be completely sad and completely happy all in the same moment.

God knew what he was doing when he made it so Kailee would be my firstborn. I was ignorant to what it felt like to bring home a baby from the hospital. I was ignorant what it felt like to be so exhausted. I was ignorant about all the milestones and timing of everything. I just saw Kailee as a tiny little baby. I never thought-- at 6 months--- that she "should" be sitting up by this point in her development. I didn't know that. I was spared that pain and I am greatful for it.

Watching Colson grow gives me a unique perspective. I'm learning right along with him. Most of the time that makes me happy, but I do get sad about it too. Today is one of those days.

I got to talk about Kailee today! I love days I get to talk about her! We have new neighbors. I went over to meet them tonight and she asked the dreaded question. "Is he your first?" I told them about Kailee. Guess what? She's a baby loss mom too! We got to talk about our little angel's. I love that.