How many people celebrate a birthday AND an anniversary of a death all in the same day? It's like trying to be happy on the worst day of your life, I suppose. That's what it feels like today. It's 2:51am and I've been up almost an hour now. I can't sleep. I like the quiet of the morning where I can just be sad  by myself.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through this day. I'm already a crying mess and it's only 3 hours in. I plan on going to church this morning. Lord, PLEASE don't let me cry through the whole service. After church, we are having a reception for a few, select people. We ordered Kailee a birthday cake. I asked that it be strawberry with strawberry icing so it's pink throughout. It will be decorated with ladybugs and monkeys. I can't wait to see it!

What am I supposed to do today? Seriously? Do I smile and pretend that everything is okay, because it's not. We SHOULD be celebrating a first birthday for real. I should have a walker, a babbler, someone whose smile can make a whole week of cleaning up vomit and poo worth it. Instead, I go to a cemetary to be close to my daughter on her birthday. I wish someone would tell me how that's fair. Seriously.

I can't tell you how many gifts we've received for Kailee in the last 24 hours. It's been nice having people acknowledge her life, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I'm not able to truly express what it means to see a line of flowers and books and jewelry on the kitchen counter.

As I sit here typing, I'm happy and sad all in the same moment. I'm sad for Kailee---sad that she's not here, but Colson is up and kicking me and that brings a smile to my face. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and he's active and he's going to be a big, big handful when he arrives.

Two very different feelings at the same time. I talk with my kids at school during counseling sessions about how it's completely normal to feel two different things at the very same time. I wish everyone who was experiencing extreme sorrow could also feel extreme joy. My friend, Gabriel's momma puts it very well in her blog- "Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye in the same day was worth the sorrow." Thank you, Meg, for putting words to how I feel today.

I have been looking forward to celebrating Kailee's birthday these last few months. The closer we get to the day, the more my grief has intensified again... As if it is very fresh again and I find there are times where I can't stop crying. Last night, I was thinking about everything we went through and I felt like I was thinking about someone elses' story because it was just too painful for me to handle right at that second. I physically had to make myself stop thinking about it because I was getting too upset. I ended up crying for almost 2 hours because I just couldn't stop.... you know the crying I'm talking about? Where you can be smiling about something else, but the tears still pour down your face without your permission.

I think this week is just going to suck. I am also having irrational fears..... thank God I know they're irrational. I actually asked Cole on the way to work this morning if he was just sleeping or if he was dead. Even though I feel him moving a lot, I can't help but wonder if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I told you they were IRRATIONAL! I keep telling myself that everything is fine.... Brent can feel him kicking, too, so it's not just me.

So many people can say "just relax, nothing will go wrong." You know what? Unless you've been here, there is no possible way you can understand. I don't mean that to sound insulting or crass, but, seriously, you no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand.

I'm afraid for my child's life BECAUSE I have lost a child. This week makes it worse because we're almost to one year of losing Kailee. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would just go into labor early again. He is big enough that he would have to spend time in a NICU, but he would be okay. I feel COMPLETELY responsible for his well being right now. I feel like I have to monitor myself all the time because I'm so afraid of losing him.

11 weeks left until Colson's due date!!!! We have started the nursery--- finally! :-) Brent painted the top a beautiful sky blue, and we left the bottom brown. We will put up a wallpaper border between the two colors. After that, it will be complete!

Baby showers are also beginning. I am so excited about being able to celebrate instead of being sad. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that we will get to bring him home. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. His little kicks are getting to the point where they hurt sometimes. Even though I complain, I love every second of it.

We had a bit of an incident last week. I thought my water might have been leaking. We called labor and delivery since it was 8:30 at night and they told us to come up as soon as we could. We got in the car and headed up to Nashville---- it was very scary for me because Kailee was born in the 27th week. Seems I can't stay away from hospitals during that time. Once we got there, the doctor checked me and said my water was fine and it was just normal pregnancy issues. Thank goodness!

The good thing about the hospital visit was that I was able to be back on the unit where Kailee was born. We were actually put in the very same room. As they wheeled me in, I felt panic. I was scared as I changed into the hospital gown, and I was even more apprehensive when I looked at the bed where I had given birth to Kailee and spent our 11 hours together. Our nurse was WONDERFUL when we told her what that room meant to us. We immediately felt comfortable and I actually PREFER that room now. Strange, isn't it?

We got to listen to Cole's heartbeat for over an hour that night on the monitor. He was kicking and swimming around trying to get away from the monitor! I don't think he likes us listening in on him! Brent followed him around with the heart monitor, and we got to watch my belly jump a few times. It was good.

Wow.... today I am 27 weeks, 6 days pregnant. At this point with Kailee, I was in the hospital beginning the process of labor. My water had broken and contractions would have started in a few hours.

Today, I am sitting at school seeing kids and doing my regular thing. The day of big anniversaries is usually okay.... it's the days leading up to them that are so hard.

I was on my way to work yesterday and began crying about Kailee. Right in the middle of all the crying, I saw a deer on the side of the road just looking at me. It brought me a little bit of peace. I decided to just take yesterday off and went home to spend it with Brent.

Please say a prayer for my little Kailee today.

We had our ultrasound this week. It went great! We got an amazing face shot of Cole looking right at us! You can see his little chubby cheeks!

He still continues to measure big, which is fine with me, though I am getting a little apprehensive about his final weight before birth and how much that's going to hurt!!!!

Colson's newest favorite thing to do is to keep mommy up at night! Especially between the hours of 2-5am. He begins kicking and kicking until I wake up and poke him back.

27 weeks seems to be a big trigger for me. Kailee was born at 27 weeks, 6 days--- which will be this Thursday. It's crazy for me to think that I've never been further along than 27w6d. I've been thinking a lot about her this week. It gives me something to compare Colson to. I can't believe there's a baby in me as big as Kailee was right now! 

Hopefully I will spend more time in the 3rd trimester than I did with Kailee, but I have to say that I am so ready to have this baby. I feel guilty about it, but I really am so tired of being pregnant. It sounds selfish and I would be so mad at someone who said that when I was trying to get pregnant, but I really am exhausted. Over the last 22 months, I've been pregnant 67 weeks, 2 days.
 

We've passed viability!!! One of my fears with having such a big baby was that I would test positive on my gestational diabetes test. That is NOT the case! I passed!!! Yay! SO.... that means I have a BIG baby in there!

My big baby loves poking my belly! It's to the point now where I can feel him on the outside with my hand which is SOOOOO cool! I could never feel Kailee like that.

I'm also starting to get very tired easily. Tying my shoes has turned into my exercise for the day!

We have another ultrasound on Thursday to check for growth. My blood pressure remains stable at this point, and everything is looking NORMAL!

I believe I am also ready for a baby shower. That is a HUGE step for me to be able to say outloud. I am really glad that Colson is a boy because I am still having a terrible time with little girl showers. I just can't make myself go. The overwhelming pink is so sad for me. I am ready, however, to get prepared for Colson! I feel the nesting instinct. I plan on washing the shells of his diapers this afternoon and then running the cloth inserts through for the last time before he uses them! So exciting!


Life is good.