He's here, he's safe and he's perfect! He was born December 24th at 9:11pm. He weighed in at a very healthy 10 pounds and he is 22.5 inches!

I'll write more later, I promise.

It's been a week of ups and downs! On Sunday, my blood pressure got out of control again and we had to go back to the hospital. Once we got there, we found out that Colson's heart was racing at 180 to 190 beats per minute!!!! I was so scared. I was sure they were going to do an emergency csection within the hour! It ended up coming down and the doctor told us that it was probably just a really active time for him. She said they really start to worry if it stays that high and doesn't come down. They talked with us that night about the possibility of getting this little guy here before my due date. The oncall doctor told me she would talk with my regular doctor and I would hear within the next few days.

I thought we weren't going to have to worry about an induction because I started having some pretty painful contractions on Monday afternoon. When I timed them, they were coming every 5 to 7 minutes and were lasting 60 seconds a piece!!!! The doctor had told us to come in when that happened for 2 hours. At the point we were preparing to call, the contractions just stopped. It was disappointing.

We got the call last night. I am scheduled to go in tonight at 9pm to begin my induction. Colson will probably be here on Thursday--- which is also a very, very special day for us. Thursday is Brent's birthday! He's been telling me this whole time that all he wants for his birthday is a son. I can't believe this is going to happen! I will meet my son (who just kicked me) in the next 48 hours!

Two simple little words that get taken for granted so often! I can not even begin to explain how thankful I am to have carried Colson to 37 weeks-- full term. If he were born today, he would more than likely not spend any time in the NICU! I read somewhere a quote that really has stood out to me over the last 9 months or so.... "Ask a mother of a premature baby how much of a difference one little day can make."

Things continue to go well with Colson. He is measuring big, but we already knew that. The ultrasound this morning measured him at 8lbs, 15oz. The doctor said those numbers can be off by as much as a pound and a half in either direction. I'm being seen twice per week now. Colson seems to be running out of room because his movements have changed. I can't believe we will be able to see his sweet little face in less than 3 weeks!

I can not even begin to describe how much I love Colson already. Feeling him move and playing the "poke my belly" game with him has been so fun. I imagine what he looks like all the time. I've imagined what his personality will be like. I think about him and how I will take care of him almost non-stop. I remember having these feelings with Kailee. I remember how much I loved her while I was pregnant and how hard I fought to keep her here with me. The day she was born, I went to another level of loving her. When I was able to see her little face, I felt an incredible amount of love and a fierce need to protect this innocent little girl. I can't believe the same will be true for Colson.

One of the issues I've had to deal with while being pregnant after loss is coming to terms with the fact that I can love both of my children. I know that 2nd time parents always wonder how they will find room in their hearts to love another child, but I am actually feeling guilt about it. Whenever I think about how much love I already have for Colson, if I don't think about Kailee in the same thought, I feel like I'm betraying her. Let me start by saying, I KNOW this isn't true. I know I'm not betraying her, but feelings and thoughts aren't always on the same page.

I am also scared about labor--- not in the way you think, though. Of course I'm worried it will hurt, blah, blah, blah.... but the other aspect of labor is that I will essentially be living through the worst moment of my life again. I compare it to a soldier who has been through active war or even someone who was in the twin towers during 9/11. Those memories trigger deep pain, fear, sorrow and unpredictable emotions. I can't tell you how many times I've lived through that night. How many times I've thought about what happened... flashes of stroking Kailee's tiny hands, flashes of kissing her little head. Those memories cause me to fear THIS delivery. It's like re-living your worst nightmare and hoping and praying for a different ending. And then, you know what? Thinking that he will live scares the hell out of me, too! I think that's the "normal" first time mom fear, though.

This means 2 more weeks until he is considered full term! Isn't that awesome!

I want to write today about how it feels being this far along after a loss. I am enjoying every part of getting ready to welcome Colson. I love washing his little clothes and blankets. I love watching my belly move as he clocks me from the inside. All of these things are wonderful and I love celebrating him, BUT a small part of me wonders if he is still really coming. If we really will be able to bring him home and take care of him. It sounds like a completely irrational thought at this point---especially when you consider the fact that he could be born today and survive, but after a loss, you always worry. I've come to believe that's normal. I will worry if he's alright on the day he's born, I'm sure. But I'm okay with that.

Sometimes it feels like I'm putting on a mask talking with other people. The sheer emotional aspect of this whole process has made me into a very unpredictable person at times. A lady I didn't know asked me about this pregnancy recently. She asked if it was my first and I told her my usual response.... "It's my 4th pregnancy, and hopefully the first one we'll get to bring home." She smiled politely and said, "Well did any of them get this far, or were they just miscarriages?" I told her I had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn. Her response??? "Well, God didn't mean for you to keep her then." How am I supposed to respond to that? Seriously? I'm writing about this interaction, not to make you mad as a reader, but it really hurt me that she said that. It makes me rethink everything I have ever said to anyone in a grief situation... I've come to the conclusion that people feel they have to say SOMETHING, and most of the time people ARE supportive and helpful..... but that 2 percent of the time someone says something like that really sticks with me and makes me want to thank God that he has given me the ability to be compassionate towards others in similar situations.