Double digits! This is good news... thank God. This week has been difficult, too. The morning sickness seems to be letting up a little bit, thank God. Along with that, the worry sets in, too.... the less symptoms I have, the more I worry.
I've been doing my hardest to focus on positive things-- in this blog, too. But, truth be told, I'm terrified most of the time. Losing so many babies has really taken a toll on me. Even though I'm 10 weeks along, I still don't see a baby at the end of this journey. I'm hopeful for good news, but I truly EXPECT to receive bad news.
One thing on my mind this week is a baby shower. I'm totally freaked out about having a baby shower. Sounds odd, right? Since we've lost Kailee, I've connected myself with other mother's who have lost babies. The good thing about doing this is that it helps me to see that I'm not walking the journey alone. The bad thing about this is that I'm connecting with people who lost their babies in many different ways at many different points in their journey. I know that --- even if I do pass the 20 week ultrasound with Chikin mini--- having a live, healthy baby at the end is never guaranteed.
I'm sharing this with you--- not so you can try to find words of comfort--- but I really do want to make this a true representation of how I feel being pregnant after loss. It's not all rainbows and smiles...... it's mostly fear of the unknown and MAKING yourself put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking.
The idea of having a baby shower means that you EXPECT to bring home a live baby at the end. The problem with this is that I've been pregnant 3 times and it has never ended in a LIVE baby, so my mind and body just expect what's happened in the past to happen again. It scares me to think of having a baby shower and then having the baby be stillborn--- seriously, do you give the gifts back like if it were a failed marriage????
I've considered scheduling a shower after the baby is born. I could easily use the excuse of not wanting to have a shower around Thanksgiving/ Christmas time. BUT--- let's say I DO get to bring home a baby. The LAST thing I want to do is expose a baby to a lot of people in the month on January when flu and RSV is rampant.
I posted on my babycenter board, and those women had amazing insight into how i was feeling. My hope is that I start to feel better about this the further along we get in this pregnancy. My hope is that --- with each passing week, the anxiety and fears gets smaller and smaller so the hope and excitement can start to build.
I've been doing my hardest to focus on positive things-- in this blog, too. But, truth be told, I'm terrified most of the time. Losing so many babies has really taken a toll on me. Even though I'm 10 weeks along, I still don't see a baby at the end of this journey. I'm hopeful for good news, but I truly EXPECT to receive bad news.
One thing on my mind this week is a baby shower. I'm totally freaked out about having a baby shower. Sounds odd, right? Since we've lost Kailee, I've connected myself with other mother's who have lost babies. The good thing about doing this is that it helps me to see that I'm not walking the journey alone. The bad thing about this is that I'm connecting with people who lost their babies in many different ways at many different points in their journey. I know that --- even if I do pass the 20 week ultrasound with Chikin mini--- having a live, healthy baby at the end is never guaranteed.
I'm sharing this with you--- not so you can try to find words of comfort--- but I really do want to make this a true representation of how I feel being pregnant after loss. It's not all rainbows and smiles...... it's mostly fear of the unknown and MAKING yourself put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking.
The idea of having a baby shower means that you EXPECT to bring home a live baby at the end. The problem with this is that I've been pregnant 3 times and it has never ended in a LIVE baby, so my mind and body just expect what's happened in the past to happen again. It scares me to think of having a baby shower and then having the baby be stillborn--- seriously, do you give the gifts back like if it were a failed marriage????
I've considered scheduling a shower after the baby is born. I could easily use the excuse of not wanting to have a shower around Thanksgiving/ Christmas time. BUT--- let's say I DO get to bring home a baby. The LAST thing I want to do is expose a baby to a lot of people in the month on January when flu and RSV is rampant.
I posted on my babycenter board, and those women had amazing insight into how i was feeling. My hope is that I start to feel better about this the further along we get in this pregnancy. My hope is that --- with each passing week, the anxiety and fears gets smaller and smaller so the hope and excitement can start to build.
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