20 week ultrasound

I've been quiet. Very, very quiet. I can't believe what I difficult time I have had with this appointment coming up. The bottom line is that I'm scared. I'm scared that something is going to be wrong. I'm scared we'll have to go through what we did with Kailee again. I'm just plain scared. On top of all being afraid stuff, I also feel guilty for wanting another healthy baby. These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Crazy boughts of crying, anxious thoughts and actual flashbacks to receiving Kailee's diagnosis. Remembering what it was like to hear that doctor say "This baby have minimal chance of survival". Remembering what how cold that ultrasound table was. Remembering flashes of Kailee's little face the night she was born. Remembering leaving the hospital as if nothing had happened and leaving my daughter  in the cold morgue. I've been analyzing and over-analyzing symptoms. Do I feel movement? Is it normal movement? Why don't I look pregnant yet? ....etc, etc, etc.

I haven't made it known when out anatomy scan is unless someone directly asks. It irritates me when people ask "When do you find out if it's a boy or girl?" The anatomy ultrasound is NOT ABOUT FINDING OUT GENDER! It's a nice perk of it, but it's main purpose is to check for vital organs and growth. No one knows this better than me.

So.... obviously I'm a bit angry and scared. Our ultrasound is 2 days away right now. I wanted to write this post prior to the appointment, but I'm not ready to post it now. So, it will be saved and I will post it sometime later.