Awhile back I made a post about a woman who was expecting her baby on September 15th. I wrote about how dumbfounded I was that someone would look forward to that day. September 15th means despair, sadness and loss to me. It was the day we found out Kailee was going to die. I hate September 15th more than any other day- even her birthday. At least I got to hold her in my arms on her birthday.

This baby is due September 15th. My due date was changed at our ultrasound today because I was measuring so far ahead already. How crazy is that? So now I will be 11 weeks tomorrow instead of just 10 weeks. That's good news, at least! God really does have a sense of humor.

I've been quiet. It always means trouble when I've gotten quiet....... In a shocking turn of events, I'm pregnant again. Lucky number 6? Who knows. Currently I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant and the crazy has begun to creep in. I was fine until I passed the 6 week mark. Now I'm attached to this baby. I'm worried about this baby. I want this baby. I've pictured Colson being a big brother. I've pictured and begun to plan for a maternity leave in September. I have an incredibly strong sense that this will be my little girl. This pregnancy reminds me of my pregnancy with Kailee. That, in itself, has also been a huge grief trigger.

While I've been doing this, there has been a lot of loss going on around me. Good friends have lost pregnancies; acquaintances have lost pregnancies. God recently connected me with a woman who has lost her little girl. I feel for her so much and know there's nothing I can do to make it better. I live in a world where babies die. There's no explanation sometimes and no warning, but babies do die.

I am trying to cope in the best way I can. Sometimes that means loving that I feel sick to my stomach 24/7 right now and sometimes it means that I just take a moment, close my eyes and remind myself that-- no matter how much I want to be in control, I'm not. Control is just an illusion. Given the choice, I'd rather God be in control, obviously, but sometimes I wish He would let me see the end result.