Today is the day. It's 2:17am on my little girl's birthday. This day is so emotional for me. It's been so heavy on my heart this year. Watching Colson grow and learn while still grieving Kailee in my heart is hard work! I have to say, we have had the best weekend so far. We spent Saturday together as a family. We attended Halloween parties where we were able to dress Colson up and just enjoy watching him experience this bittersweet holiday. On Saturday night, we got home and Colson wanted to play with his pumpkin. I put him and his little plastic pumpkin full of candy on the floor. He squealed with delight as he kicked and slapped at all the candy around. It was a good moment. It was a happy moment. It was a moment tears were also running down my face because I was imagining what could have been. I'm not saying this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I'm saying it because I want every momma that has experienced loss to know that it's okay to feel complete and total happiness but to also feel sadness in that same moment. Yesterday we spent the day having fun again. We picked out pumpkins and just enjoyed the day.

It's 2:23am right now. I woke up about 30 minutes ago to the sound of my son snoring in his crib. I layed there for a few minutes thinking about how it is such a simple pleasure to listen to him breathe--- something we never heard Kailee do. There is nothing like listening to a baby's soft breathing pattern. It's nice to experience the quiet of the morning to think about Kailee on my own with no distractions. I hope I'll be able to get back to sleep.

Today we are planning on having a fun day. I've taken the day off of work. (I wouldn't really be much help to anyone today,) I'm staying home with my son. He will receive extra hugs and kisses today. He will receive extra "I love you's" from mommy. Yeah, I'm pretty much going to smother him today. :-) We are going to pick out some new flowers for Kailee. We will also carve pumpkins today--- something we haven't done for the last 2 years. I want to watch my son experience this holiday. I want to watch him smile and laugh. Tonight we will take him trick or treating and we will also be lighting paper lanterns for Kailee at dusk. Before bed, we will pick out a book from Kailee's library to read. I can't tell you how much that library means to me. Reading Colson the handwritten notes from the front has been priceless.

Please keep us in your heart today. I know the world moves on. I understand, but today is a day we will celebrate the life of our daughter. She lived in my belly 27 weeks and 6 days. I felt her little kicks same as I felt Colson kicking me. As sad as I am, I am also very blessed that God chose me to be Kailee's mother.

I hate nights that I can't sleep. Tonight is one of them. I've been up since around 3am--- it is now 4am and I'm wide awake. Most of my thoughts this time of day are consumed by Kailee. It's quiet in the house and I don't have much else to worry about, so I allow myself the luxury of just sitting here and thinking about her. Her 2nd birthday is approaching fast. It's crazy to think that we could have a 2 year old toddler running around our house. It's crazy to look back on my life 2 years ago. It almost feels like it happened to someone else.

I can't tell you how often I think about Kailee. I wonder-- when people look at me--- if they think about her too. She is such a big part of who I am.