Denial is such a wonderful thing! It actually, physically and emotionally protects us from things that are too emotional. Denial is nice because you KNOW you should be sad, but you aren't. You just keep trucking along. I have enjoyed my 9 days of denial from this miscarriage. It's now coming to an end, but I've enjoyed it while it has lasted.
This is DEFINITELY nowhere near as devastating as it was to lose Kailee. It's hard in a different way, though. It's hard because I want to be a mom so badly that I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. I actually, PHYSICALLY ACHE to hold Kailee. My body actually hurts, my arms actually yearn to just tuck her up underneath my chin and rock her. God ingrained a maternal instinct into me so much that I can't help but believe that I'm meant to be a mom of a baby I get to care for here on earth.
This week the crazy thoughts have started up. I worry a lot. I worry about not being able to bring home a baby. I worry about being pregnant again. I worry about whether or not I will be able to bond with any baby during any future pregnancy. I worry if there's something wrong with me. All that worry will really tire a girl out!
Bitterness is setting in. I hate that it is, but it's the truth. I HATE people who are bitter.... I guess that means I hate who I am right now. I also can feel myself losing hope. I never would have thought this would happen, but it is. Three pregnancies and no babies have been brought home. Brent has enough hope for the two of us, but I'm angry that my hope has been taken away like this! Pregnancy is supposed to be fun and full of hope.
Tonight's post really has no upside to it. I'm just not feeling "uppy" tonight.
This is DEFINITELY nowhere near as devastating as it was to lose Kailee. It's hard in a different way, though. It's hard because I want to be a mom so badly that I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. I actually, PHYSICALLY ACHE to hold Kailee. My body actually hurts, my arms actually yearn to just tuck her up underneath my chin and rock her. God ingrained a maternal instinct into me so much that I can't help but believe that I'm meant to be a mom of a baby I get to care for here on earth.
This week the crazy thoughts have started up. I worry a lot. I worry about not being able to bring home a baby. I worry about being pregnant again. I worry about whether or not I will be able to bond with any baby during any future pregnancy. I worry if there's something wrong with me. All that worry will really tire a girl out!
Bitterness is setting in. I hate that it is, but it's the truth. I HATE people who are bitter.... I guess that means I hate who I am right now. I also can feel myself losing hope. I never would have thought this would happen, but it is. Three pregnancies and no babies have been brought home. Brent has enough hope for the two of us, but I'm angry that my hope has been taken away like this! Pregnancy is supposed to be fun and full of hope.
Tonight's post really has no upside to it. I'm just not feeling "uppy" tonight.
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