One minute at a time....

12/16/2009

3 Comments

 
Today was a good day. I am beginning to venture out into the world. I went to visit my husband for lunch and then to see a friend who just had a baby 3 weeks ago. I must admit that I was very worried how I would react to a baby. I was so amazed at how big he was! He is a normal sized newborn, but I am so used to thinking of Kailee in terms of a 3 pound baby! I did good- no crying until near the end of the visit when I decided to say hello to baby. I knew I couldn't hold him. Too many memories of Kailee were flooding my mind everytime I looked at him and I didn't want my friends to know what a mess I am!

The important thing is that I did it. I went out and spent time with friends and...... guess what........ it was actually fun. Shhhh... don't tell anyone. :-) I'm so used to being insanely sad all the time that it felt good to be happy about a newborn. It was good, too, that I actually WANTED to hold him. I was afraid that feeling wouldn't ever come back, but it did.

I am so apprehensive about Christmas. Christmas scares me. When I even think about the actual holiday, tears fill my eyes. This Christmas we were supposed to have a baby. Our first baby would have been born at the beginning of August if I hadn't miscarried and I still would have been pregnant with Kailee if things were normal. We would have been getting last minute gifts for her for Christmas and preparing her room. I think that's why Christmas strikes fear in my heart when I think about it.

3 Comments
Meredith link
12/16/2009 11:11:03 pm

I have been following your blog since before Kailee was born. I am amazed at your honesty with yourself and with others and appreciate you letting me into your private world of grief. I too have lost a baby that would have been due in May 2010. I miss her every day and it is strange how the grief strikes me at the most unexpected times. My best friend had a baby about 9 days after I lost mine and she called and wanted me at her bedisde at the hospital, she is a single mother. I went although walking past the nursery was the hardest thing. I witnessed her daughter come into this world. I didn't hold her that night either....it took a little while before I worked up the courage. She is now a few weeks old and I hold her all the time. I usually cry when I hold her, but her mother understands. I think our greatest fear is that someone will forget our angel children and we will be the only one grieving for them. At least that is my fear. I am trying to get pregnant again and it is the scariest thing I am going through right now. I wish you all the best and have been praying for you. Thank you again for allowing me to get to "know" Kailee. She truly is a miracle.

~Meredith~

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Meredith
12/16/2009 11:20:27 pm

I have been following your blog before Kailee was born. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to be open and public with your grief. I think you are so brave!
I lost a baby that would have been due in May 2010 and it has been the hardest thing for me. I tried for awhile to tell myself I was ok, but I realize I am not. I am broken, I am sad, I am angry and I miss my baby more than anything in this world.
Nine days after I lost her my best friend delivered her daughter. She is a single mother and when she went into labor requested that I be with her. We already had that planned before I lost my daughter so I couldn't back out now could I? I gathered the courage to go to the hospital. I gathered more when i walked past the nursery with pretty little pink crying newborns all in a row. I gathered even more courage when she wanted me to stay as the baby came into this world. I took pictures I cried I laughed, I held her head as she pushed with all of her might. I did all of those things on autopilot almost without effort. But once that child was born and I knew mommy was ok I could not summon the courage to hold her. I just looked at her and wished it was me having that baby.
She is now a few weeks old and I have been able to hold her now. It is theraputic to me where I once thought it would not be. Oh I cry when I hold her and sometimes when I think about that day. It remains the hardest thing in my life ever! But I have to have faith that God has a plan for my husband and I.
We are starting to try again, and that scares me even more. I know one day I will have whatever size family God wants me to have. But until then the grief can sometimes be unbearable.
So thank you again for bearing your soul and letting me into your thoughts, Kailee Rose has helped me grieve and I am sure she and my daughter are in heaven playing together and sitting in Jesus' lap.

~Meredith~

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Brittany Clark
12/17/2009 06:30:01 pm

Christmas will be rough on all of us this year...but we'll get through it with as much strength as you had to see that baby that was the same age as Tyler :) Our little holiday babies!

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