I've been back to work for over a week now. It's not been too bad. I love being surrounded by people who know about Kailee.
I was putting my office together and decided to bring in a picture of Colson for my desk. But what about Kailee? She's mine too. What would people think of the counselor who has a picture of a dead baby on her desk? All these thoughts run through my mind about the simple concept of a picture on my desk. It shouldn't be this difficult!
Another aspect of having her picture on my desk is that people will ask about my kids.... you know, the usual. How old?... blah, blah, blah..... So that opens the door of "Yeah, that's a picture of my dead baby. Feel sorry for me for a minute and then feel mortified because you don't know what the heck to say. Let me end this by taking care of you and telling you it's okay that my baby died." I can see this happening over and over through the day and it's not really something that I want to go through. It's nobody's fault that the conversation goes like that.... It is what it is. Bringing up dead babies is like going to church naked. It's just plain uncomfortable for everyone involved.
So back to my conundrum..... I essentially made the decision to just put Cole's picture on my desk. So why the long post? Because I. FEEL. GUILTY. I feel like I'm saying Kailee isn't important enough to have earned the beloved spot on my desk where I can see her beautiful face every day. Only Colson looks back at me. I see his smiling face and every time I look at that sweet little face, it reminds me of the other little face that SHOULD be right beside Cole's smiling back at me.
As long as I'm in this crappy, feel sorry for me mood, I might as well talk about Fall. I love autumn. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the colors. I love pumpkins and bonfires and the crisp, coolness in the air. I look forward to fall every year. I got married in the fall because it is my favorite time of year. I still love fall, but there's a feeling in my stomach now when I think about it. I re-live the events of Fall 2009. A lady at work is due with her baby on September 15th. It BLOWS. MY. MIND. that someone has been looking forward to that day for 40 weeks. If I had a say in the matter we would have September 13, September 14th and then September 16th. Get rid of that dreaded day! It's the day we found out Kailee was going to die. The closer we get to the day, the more I feel sad. It's crazy that something I love so much is such a trigger for me. I'm not sure how to deal with that.
I was putting my office together and decided to bring in a picture of Colson for my desk. But what about Kailee? She's mine too. What would people think of the counselor who has a picture of a dead baby on her desk? All these thoughts run through my mind about the simple concept of a picture on my desk. It shouldn't be this difficult!
Another aspect of having her picture on my desk is that people will ask about my kids.... you know, the usual. How old?... blah, blah, blah..... So that opens the door of "Yeah, that's a picture of my dead baby. Feel sorry for me for a minute and then feel mortified because you don't know what the heck to say. Let me end this by taking care of you and telling you it's okay that my baby died." I can see this happening over and over through the day and it's not really something that I want to go through. It's nobody's fault that the conversation goes like that.... It is what it is. Bringing up dead babies is like going to church naked. It's just plain uncomfortable for everyone involved.
So back to my conundrum..... I essentially made the decision to just put Cole's picture on my desk. So why the long post? Because I. FEEL. GUILTY. I feel like I'm saying Kailee isn't important enough to have earned the beloved spot on my desk where I can see her beautiful face every day. Only Colson looks back at me. I see his smiling face and every time I look at that sweet little face, it reminds me of the other little face that SHOULD be right beside Cole's smiling back at me.
As long as I'm in this crappy, feel sorry for me mood, I might as well talk about Fall. I love autumn. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the colors. I love pumpkins and bonfires and the crisp, coolness in the air. I look forward to fall every year. I got married in the fall because it is my favorite time of year. I still love fall, but there's a feeling in my stomach now when I think about it. I re-live the events of Fall 2009. A lady at work is due with her baby on September 15th. It BLOWS. MY. MIND. that someone has been looking forward to that day for 40 weeks. If I had a say in the matter we would have September 13, September 14th and then September 16th. Get rid of that dreaded day! It's the day we found out Kailee was going to die. The closer we get to the day, the more I feel sad. It's crazy that something I love so much is such a trigger for me. I'm not sure how to deal with that.
RSS Feed