Tonight I decided it was time to go through the pile of things from the hospital and the funeral. We haven't unpacked from the hospital or anything--- we just put everything in a pile in our room. I went through it and found a lot of things I didn't know were there. We had a huge pile of programs from the funeral, a funeral book with a guestbook. I was able to look through the guestbook and see who had come--- I honestly can't remember much from the funeral. I just remember sitting by my baby and being content that I got to see her one more time.
Within that pile was also a little bag with a hospital baby blanket in it. It was the blanket she was wrapped in from the hospital to the funeral home. I hugged that blanket and cried for a good 20 minutes. I wish it would have smelled like her. I wish I would have gotten a lotion to rub on Kailee while we were cuddling her so I could smell it and remind myself of her. She had no "smell"--- just "new baby" smell.
Among the things I found was also the outfit she wore that night. I took it out and hugged it, as well. The outfit is laid out on our dresser so that I can run my fingers over it whenever I want to.
I also found a pair of little scissors and tiny ribbons. I assume these were used to try to get a lock of her hair. They weren't able to do this because her hair was too short to cut. I never thought of anyone giving us the scissors, but I'm grateful for them.
I return to work a week from tomorrow. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. I work with children--- that could be a good thing or a bad thing, I'm not sure yet. I anticipate the first week will be the worst. There are a lot of people I work with who I haven't seen since Kailee was born. Seeing the look on other people's faces is the hardest, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of those looks next week. So I will take a deep breath, and try very hard to enjoy what I have left of my maternity leave.
Within that pile was also a little bag with a hospital baby blanket in it. It was the blanket she was wrapped in from the hospital to the funeral home. I hugged that blanket and cried for a good 20 minutes. I wish it would have smelled like her. I wish I would have gotten a lotion to rub on Kailee while we were cuddling her so I could smell it and remind myself of her. She had no "smell"--- just "new baby" smell.
Among the things I found was also the outfit she wore that night. I took it out and hugged it, as well. The outfit is laid out on our dresser so that I can run my fingers over it whenever I want to.
I also found a pair of little scissors and tiny ribbons. I assume these were used to try to get a lock of her hair. They weren't able to do this because her hair was too short to cut. I never thought of anyone giving us the scissors, but I'm grateful for them.
I return to work a week from tomorrow. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. I work with children--- that could be a good thing or a bad thing, I'm not sure yet. I anticipate the first week will be the worst. There are a lot of people I work with who I haven't seen since Kailee was born. Seeing the look on other people's faces is the hardest, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of those looks next week. So I will take a deep breath, and try very hard to enjoy what I have left of my maternity leave.
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