I had my second dream about Kailee two nights ago. It was very odd--- An aquaintance from my high school died of cancer one week before Kailee was born. In my dream, he was standing in a shopping mall. I went to him and told him how sorry I was that he had died and how much everyone must be missing him. I asked him to give my baby girl a big hug from me when he got to heaven. He told me "Look for yourself." A large circle opened up and I could see Kailee laughing and playing with some kind of animal--- a horsie or something like that. She was beautiful and happy and a sort of peace overcame me in that moment. I went to go home, and on my way home, I realized that my husband was dead. Sobbing tears and feelings of hopelessness and despair washed over me instantly. I grieved at that moment for my baby, for my husband, and for all the future children we wouldn't be able to have together. I woke up in COMPLETE panic. I reached over to make sure Brent was beside me in bed and told him about my dream.
It's interesting looking at that dream in the daylight. I loved seeing my baby happy and playing. It gave me such peace. It also opened up fears of something happening to Brent.
For those of you that don't know me very well, we've had an incredibly tough year. It's the toughest year I've ever lived through.
January 2009: We found out our first baby in our very first pregnancy didn't have a heartbeat. I had to have a D&C. We also sold a house this month and made an offer on a new house. One of my friends had cancer recur for the 3rd time.
February 2009: We spent this month packing after our offer on the new house was accepted. My friend's cancer got worse. My job requirements changed this month and I worked between 3 schools in 2 counties.
March 2009: We moved and unpacked this month. This was also the month we found out that one of our kittens had terminal feline leukemia. We were told at the end of March that she had 14 days to live at the most. Still working between 2 counties. Our bunny got sick this month and died.
April 2009: This is the month I got pregnant with Kailee. Still taking care of a sick kitten. Still worrying about a friend with cancer. Still working between 2 counties.
May 2009: Friend with cancer died at age 29. We found out we were pregnant. Continuing to take care of our sick cat. Still working between 2 counties.
June 2009: Pregnant--- tired and sick most of the month. Still trying to take care of sick kitten.
July 2009: Feeling better in pregnancy, found out baby had a heartbeat and completed the first trimester. Kitten got incredibly sick and we had to put her down at the end of the month.
August 2009: Began school year at my job. Found out that our 2nd kitten also had terminal feline leukemia-- she had a tumor on her spine.
September 2009: Taking care of sick kitty. Working at a job that is demanding more and more. Found out our baby will die shortly after birth.
October 2009: Trying to deal with the fact that our baby will die. Still caring for a sick kitten. Kailee was born this month.
November 2009: Planning the funeral of our daughter. Our kitty died this month on the 11th.
I write these things down more for me than for you. I write them down so I can tell my body why I feel so run down all the time. I can look at this list and realize that we've dealt with death at least 5 times this year--- 2 humans and 3 animals that we loved like our babies. I think it's normal for me to worry about what's going to happen next. Every month we've had something happen. I've slowly watched animals and people who I love slip away. It's normal that a fear of losing my husband would surface at this time. It's part of the grief process.
It's interesting looking at that dream in the daylight. I loved seeing my baby happy and playing. It gave me such peace. It also opened up fears of something happening to Brent.
For those of you that don't know me very well, we've had an incredibly tough year. It's the toughest year I've ever lived through.
January 2009: We found out our first baby in our very first pregnancy didn't have a heartbeat. I had to have a D&C. We also sold a house this month and made an offer on a new house. One of my friends had cancer recur for the 3rd time.
February 2009: We spent this month packing after our offer on the new house was accepted. My friend's cancer got worse. My job requirements changed this month and I worked between 3 schools in 2 counties.
March 2009: We moved and unpacked this month. This was also the month we found out that one of our kittens had terminal feline leukemia. We were told at the end of March that she had 14 days to live at the most. Still working between 2 counties. Our bunny got sick this month and died.
April 2009: This is the month I got pregnant with Kailee. Still taking care of a sick kitten. Still worrying about a friend with cancer. Still working between 2 counties.
May 2009: Friend with cancer died at age 29. We found out we were pregnant. Continuing to take care of our sick cat. Still working between 2 counties.
June 2009: Pregnant--- tired and sick most of the month. Still trying to take care of sick kitten.
July 2009: Feeling better in pregnancy, found out baby had a heartbeat and completed the first trimester. Kitten got incredibly sick and we had to put her down at the end of the month.
August 2009: Began school year at my job. Found out that our 2nd kitten also had terminal feline leukemia-- she had a tumor on her spine.
September 2009: Taking care of sick kitty. Working at a job that is demanding more and more. Found out our baby will die shortly after birth.
October 2009: Trying to deal with the fact that our baby will die. Still caring for a sick kitten. Kailee was born this month.
November 2009: Planning the funeral of our daughter. Our kitty died this month on the 11th.
I write these things down more for me than for you. I write them down so I can tell my body why I feel so run down all the time. I can look at this list and realize that we've dealt with death at least 5 times this year--- 2 humans and 3 animals that we loved like our babies. I think it's normal for me to worry about what's going to happen next. Every month we've had something happen. I've slowly watched animals and people who I love slip away. It's normal that a fear of losing my husband would surface at this time. It's part of the grief process.
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