I have been looking forward to celebrating Kailee's birthday these last few months. The closer we get to the day, the more my grief has intensified again... As if it is very fresh again and I find there are times where I can't stop crying. Last night, I was thinking about everything we went through and I felt like I was thinking about someone elses' story because it was just too painful for me to handle right at that second. I physically had to make myself stop thinking about it because I was getting too upset. I ended up crying for almost 2 hours because I just couldn't stop.... you know the crying I'm talking about? Where you can be smiling about something else, but the tears still pour down your face without your permission.
I think this week is just going to suck. I am also having irrational fears..... thank God I know they're irrational. I actually asked Cole on the way to work this morning if he was just sleeping or if he was dead. Even though I feel him moving a lot, I can't help but wonder if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I told you they were IRRATIONAL! I keep telling myself that everything is fine.... Brent can feel him kicking, too, so it's not just me.
So many people can say "just relax, nothing will go wrong." You know what? Unless you've been here, there is no possible way you can understand. I don't mean that to sound insulting or crass, but, seriously, you no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand.
I'm afraid for my child's life BECAUSE I have lost a child. This week makes it worse because we're almost to one year of losing Kailee. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would just go into labor early again. He is big enough that he would have to spend time in a NICU, but he would be okay. I feel COMPLETELY responsible for his well being right now. I feel like I have to monitor myself all the time because I'm so afraid of losing him.
I think this week is just going to suck. I am also having irrational fears..... thank God I know they're irrational. I actually asked Cole on the way to work this morning if he was just sleeping or if he was dead. Even though I feel him moving a lot, I can't help but wonder if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I told you they were IRRATIONAL! I keep telling myself that everything is fine.... Brent can feel him kicking, too, so it's not just me.
So many people can say "just relax, nothing will go wrong." You know what? Unless you've been here, there is no possible way you can understand. I don't mean that to sound insulting or crass, but, seriously, you no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand.
I'm afraid for my child's life BECAUSE I have lost a child. This week makes it worse because we're almost to one year of losing Kailee. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would just go into labor early again. He is big enough that he would have to spend time in a NICU, but he would be okay. I feel COMPLETELY responsible for his well being right now. I feel like I have to monitor myself all the time because I'm so afraid of losing him.
RSS Feed