How many people celebrate a birthday AND an anniversary of a death all in the same day? It's like trying to be happy on the worst day of your life, I suppose. That's what it feels like today. It's 2:51am and I've been up almost an hour now. I can't sleep. I like the quiet of the morning where I can just be sad by myself.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through this day. I'm already a crying mess and it's only 3 hours in. I plan on going to church this morning. Lord, PLEASE don't let me cry through the whole service. After church, we are having a reception for a few, select people. We ordered Kailee a birthday cake. I asked that it be strawberry with strawberry icing so it's pink throughout. It will be decorated with ladybugs and monkeys. I can't wait to see it!
What am I supposed to do today? Seriously? Do I smile and pretend that everything is okay, because it's not. We SHOULD be celebrating a first birthday for real. I should have a walker, a babbler, someone whose smile can make a whole week of cleaning up vomit and poo worth it. Instead, I go to a cemetary to be close to my daughter on her birthday. I wish someone would tell me how that's fair. Seriously.
I can't tell you how many gifts we've received for Kailee in the last 24 hours. It's been nice having people acknowledge her life, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I'm not able to truly express what it means to see a line of flowers and books and jewelry on the kitchen counter.
As I sit here typing, I'm happy and sad all in the same moment. I'm sad for Kailee---sad that she's not here, but Colson is up and kicking me and that brings a smile to my face. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and he's active and he's going to be a big, big handful when he arrives.
Two very different feelings at the same time. I talk with my kids at school during counseling sessions about how it's completely normal to feel two different things at the very same time. I wish everyone who was experiencing extreme sorrow could also feel extreme joy. My friend, Gabriel's momma puts it very well in her blog- "Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye in the same day was worth the sorrow." Thank you, Meg, for putting words to how I feel today.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through this day. I'm already a crying mess and it's only 3 hours in. I plan on going to church this morning. Lord, PLEASE don't let me cry through the whole service. After church, we are having a reception for a few, select people. We ordered Kailee a birthday cake. I asked that it be strawberry with strawberry icing so it's pink throughout. It will be decorated with ladybugs and monkeys. I can't wait to see it!
What am I supposed to do today? Seriously? Do I smile and pretend that everything is okay, because it's not. We SHOULD be celebrating a first birthday for real. I should have a walker, a babbler, someone whose smile can make a whole week of cleaning up vomit and poo worth it. Instead, I go to a cemetary to be close to my daughter on her birthday. I wish someone would tell me how that's fair. Seriously.
I can't tell you how many gifts we've received for Kailee in the last 24 hours. It's been nice having people acknowledge her life, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I'm not able to truly express what it means to see a line of flowers and books and jewelry on the kitchen counter.
As I sit here typing, I'm happy and sad all in the same moment. I'm sad for Kailee---sad that she's not here, but Colson is up and kicking me and that brings a smile to my face. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and he's active and he's going to be a big, big handful when he arrives.
Two very different feelings at the same time. I talk with my kids at school during counseling sessions about how it's completely normal to feel two different things at the very same time. I wish everyone who was experiencing extreme sorrow could also feel extreme joy. My friend, Gabriel's momma puts it very well in her blog- "Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye in the same day was worth the sorrow." Thank you, Meg, for putting words to how I feel today.
RSS Feed