I can not even begin to describe how much I love Colson already. Feeling him move and playing the "poke my belly" game with him has been so fun. I imagine what he looks like all the time. I've imagined what his personality will be like. I think about him and how I will take care of him almost non-stop. I remember having these feelings with Kailee. I remember how much I loved her while I was pregnant and how hard I fought to keep her here with me. The day she was born, I went to another level of loving her. When I was able to see her little face, I felt an incredible amount of love and a fierce need to protect this innocent little girl. I can't believe the same will be true for Colson.
One of the issues I've had to deal with while being pregnant after loss is coming to terms with the fact that I can love both of my children. I know that 2nd time parents always wonder how they will find room in their hearts to love another child, but I am actually feeling guilt about it. Whenever I think about how much love I already have for Colson, if I don't think about Kailee in the same thought, I feel like I'm betraying her. Let me start by saying, I KNOW this isn't true. I know I'm not betraying her, but feelings and thoughts aren't always on the same page.
I am also scared about labor--- not in the way you think, though. Of course I'm worried it will hurt, blah, blah, blah.... but the other aspect of labor is that I will essentially be living through the worst moment of my life again. I compare it to a soldier who has been through active war or even someone who was in the twin towers during 9/11. Those memories trigger deep pain, fear, sorrow and unpredictable emotions. I can't tell you how many times I've lived through that night. How many times I've thought about what happened... flashes of stroking Kailee's tiny hands, flashes of kissing her little head. Those memories cause me to fear THIS delivery. It's like re-living your worst nightmare and hoping and praying for a different ending. And then, you know what? Thinking that he will live scares the hell out of me, too! I think that's the "normal" first time mom fear, though.
One of the issues I've had to deal with while being pregnant after loss is coming to terms with the fact that I can love both of my children. I know that 2nd time parents always wonder how they will find room in their hearts to love another child, but I am actually feeling guilt about it. Whenever I think about how much love I already have for Colson, if I don't think about Kailee in the same thought, I feel like I'm betraying her. Let me start by saying, I KNOW this isn't true. I know I'm not betraying her, but feelings and thoughts aren't always on the same page.
I am also scared about labor--- not in the way you think, though. Of course I'm worried it will hurt, blah, blah, blah.... but the other aspect of labor is that I will essentially be living through the worst moment of my life again. I compare it to a soldier who has been through active war or even someone who was in the twin towers during 9/11. Those memories trigger deep pain, fear, sorrow and unpredictable emotions. I can't tell you how many times I've lived through that night. How many times I've thought about what happened... flashes of stroking Kailee's tiny hands, flashes of kissing her little head. Those memories cause me to fear THIS delivery. It's like re-living your worst nightmare and hoping and praying for a different ending. And then, you know what? Thinking that he will live scares the hell out of me, too! I think that's the "normal" first time mom fear, though.
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