I was thinking about all the different roles I have played in my life. Not in a movies or plays or anything, but just in normal, everyday situations. I've been a daughter; I've been a "good girl"; I've been a comedian; i'm a wife..... etc. I've recently added "bereaved mother" to the list. That is DEFINITELY not something I would have chosen. I know that I can be myself around certain people.... I know that I can say whatever is on my mind when talking with Brent, and he won't get his feelings hurt. That's part of what makes him awesome! I know I can talk with my BFF, and she won't get her feelings hurt. I like to act silly and crazy around both of them. I CHOOSE to act that way around them, because that's who I am! I like to be funny. I like random, corny jokes. I even like jokes about people farting! (Don't tell anyone!) :-) There are certain places I would never act this way, though. I would never act that way in church or at work. It's just not appropriate. I "put on my mask" to go to church. Same thing with work. I have to have a professional demeanor with the adults I work with. (Now with the little ones, it's a different story..... but, again, a different mask,)
Recently I have had to pretend that I'm normal. Come on, let's face it. No one REALLY wants to get into that akward conversation about "how are you doing since your baby died?" It's not normal conversation. So, I pretend that everything is getting back to "normal" at work and church and school...etc. People think I'm doing very well with my grief; I think I'm doing well with my grief...... Grief is a funny thing, though. Just when you think you're truckin' along, BAM, out of nowhere it hits you like a semi-truck. These are the times where I have the most trouble..... those steps back really discourage me. If it happens at work (I see a pregnant woman, or hear about someone else being pregnant), I have a work VERY hard to hide what I truly anm feeling. I'm pretending. I'm putting on my mask to make sure that other people are comfortable and the subject of my dead baby won't silence a room full of people.
I am also put into the role of the caretaker. Sometimes when people come to ask how I am, I feel like I end up taking care of them instead of the other way around. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. It is a very uncomfortable situation to be in--- on BOTH ends. I totally understand that. I don't know how to fix it, but I do know it's caused more than one very long, akward silence.
So, I will go back to work again tomorrow wearing my "I'm fine that my baby died" mask. I'm just glad I can take it off around those closest to me and just be myself.
Recently I have had to pretend that I'm normal. Come on, let's face it. No one REALLY wants to get into that akward conversation about "how are you doing since your baby died?" It's not normal conversation. So, I pretend that everything is getting back to "normal" at work and church and school...etc. People think I'm doing very well with my grief; I think I'm doing well with my grief...... Grief is a funny thing, though. Just when you think you're truckin' along, BAM, out of nowhere it hits you like a semi-truck. These are the times where I have the most trouble..... those steps back really discourage me. If it happens at work (I see a pregnant woman, or hear about someone else being pregnant), I have a work VERY hard to hide what I truly anm feeling. I'm pretending. I'm putting on my mask to make sure that other people are comfortable and the subject of my dead baby won't silence a room full of people.
I am also put into the role of the caretaker. Sometimes when people come to ask how I am, I feel like I end up taking care of them instead of the other way around. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. It is a very uncomfortable situation to be in--- on BOTH ends. I totally understand that. I don't know how to fix it, but I do know it's caused more than one very long, akward silence.
So, I will go back to work again tomorrow wearing my "I'm fine that my baby died" mask. I'm just glad I can take it off around those closest to me and just be myself.
RSS Feed