Don't get too excited..... This post is not a post that's going to be any fun to write... I found out a week ago today that I was pregnant again. I was surprised! We weren't really trying and I was really excited that it had happened so easy. It actually crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I was going to be able to easily fly through getting pregnant and being pregnant with no problems at all. I had hope, but I was still cautious.
I'm glad I was cautious. I began miscarrying on Friday. I had already contacted the doctor to begin supplements during the first trimester. They had wanted to schedule my very first appointment and ultrasound, but I refused. I told them that I would call back around 6 weeks to schedule because it's just too hard to cancel those appointments after something happens. It also creates another "trigger" day. A day where you think "I SHOULD be getting my first ultrasound right now.... I SHOULD be excited about getting my first glimpse at my child." No thank you. I'll wait until the last minute to schedule from here on out.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this all weekend. Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I both? I guess the truth is, I don't really know how I feel. I hate to say this, but if I'm going to have a failed pregnancy, I would rather it be earlier than later. On that point, I'm glad it ended sooner. However, that said, this has hit me hard because it's yet another loss. I've seen a positive pregnancy test 5 times.... I've had one live child, one stillborn child and 3 miscarriages. It's no wonder I look at pregnancy tests with such skepticism. Almost like it's mocking me. I never believe the tests.... I always see that positve result and think "We'll see.... we'll see if you're still positive in a week or two." Why is that? Why can't I be blindly ignorant and see those 2 lines and begin planning baby names and baby room themes and ignorantly tell everyone I know that I'm pregnant. Instead, I keep it a secret.... waiting everyday for the ball to drop. And when it does, no one knows. No one knew I was pregnant this time. I had to call close family and friends to let them know because I didn't want them finding out if they read this post.
So, here I am again. I'm not hopeless. Don't get me wrong. I'm a stubborn cuss of a woman. This may knock me down, but I refuse to let it keep me down. If I hadn't of kept fighting so hard, we wouldn't have Colson right now, and I can't imagine life without him. I do have to say, as much as it sucks to lose a pregnancy, having a live child to hug on and kiss on while it's happening makes it a little more bearable.
I'm glad I was cautious. I began miscarrying on Friday. I had already contacted the doctor to begin supplements during the first trimester. They had wanted to schedule my very first appointment and ultrasound, but I refused. I told them that I would call back around 6 weeks to schedule because it's just too hard to cancel those appointments after something happens. It also creates another "trigger" day. A day where you think "I SHOULD be getting my first ultrasound right now.... I SHOULD be excited about getting my first glimpse at my child." No thank you. I'll wait until the last minute to schedule from here on out.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this all weekend. Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I both? I guess the truth is, I don't really know how I feel. I hate to say this, but if I'm going to have a failed pregnancy, I would rather it be earlier than later. On that point, I'm glad it ended sooner. However, that said, this has hit me hard because it's yet another loss. I've seen a positive pregnancy test 5 times.... I've had one live child, one stillborn child and 3 miscarriages. It's no wonder I look at pregnancy tests with such skepticism. Almost like it's mocking me. I never believe the tests.... I always see that positve result and think "We'll see.... we'll see if you're still positive in a week or two." Why is that? Why can't I be blindly ignorant and see those 2 lines and begin planning baby names and baby room themes and ignorantly tell everyone I know that I'm pregnant. Instead, I keep it a secret.... waiting everyday for the ball to drop. And when it does, no one knows. No one knew I was pregnant this time. I had to call close family and friends to let them know because I didn't want them finding out if they read this post.
So, here I am again. I'm not hopeless. Don't get me wrong. I'm a stubborn cuss of a woman. This may knock me down, but I refuse to let it keep me down. If I hadn't of kept fighting so hard, we wouldn't have Colson right now, and I can't imagine life without him. I do have to say, as much as it sucks to lose a pregnancy, having a live child to hug on and kiss on while it's happening makes it a little more bearable.
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