Brent and I are attending that GriefShare program. I really like it so far. It has a lot of practical information that we can use. They recommended writing a grief letter to people to help them understand what you need. The grief letter should address 3 main things:
1. Describe what you have experienced and how you are feeling about it.
2. Let people know what they can expect from you in your current state.
3. Give your friends instructions on what they can do to help during this time. Let them know what is needed and when it is needed.
I wrote one this morning and will be updating it periodically as I improve with my grief. It's sort of like a roadmap of how to best support me. It totally makes me sound like self-centered to say that, but maybe I need to be more self-centered right now. I made a separate tab for grief letters, so you can always find my most current one there.
I've been using the word "selfish" a lot lately. When I tell people we decided not to celebrate the holidays, I always add "we decided to be selfish this year." It's become sort of a habit. I've said it a few times during counseling sessions, and this last time I said it, I got "the lecture" about how we are not being selfish at all. I needed to hear that.
I've always done what's expected of me. I've always tried to do what's right. I've always tried to just take care of other people and have neglected myself because I thought it was "Selfish" to take care of myself instead of others. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's not "selfish" to take care of yourself when you need it.
I keep looking at dates and think "I'll be okay after Christmas" or "I'll be okay after Kailee's due date passes." Those days pass, and it doesn't magically get better. I'm coming to realize that this will last so much longer than I ever thought it would. We will never be a "whole" family again. Someone is missing.
So maybe I need to lower my expectations. Isn't that how we get disappointed? We expect a certain amount, and when we don't get it, we are disappointed? I EXPECT to be "better" by now. On those days when I'm not "better", it discourages me. Maybe I need to change my expectations. "I EXPECT that this will hurt for many years to come, and I EXPECT unpredictable emotions at unpredictable times." Just changing that thought process might make those times I do get upset a little bit better.
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