I have recently been experiencing a lot of anger. It can come out a different times with different people in different ways. I was reading our lesson this week for our GriefShare program. One of the journal topics is "Whom are you angry with and why?"
Sheesh.... I have absolutely no clue how to answer this one. I know I'm angry, but it's not directed towards a certain person. I'm just angry about the whole situation. I'm angry that we don't have a 4 week old right now. That's nobody's fault. It's just something that happened--- a fluke, really. If I really am telling myself the truth, I'm actually angry with God. I feel guilty for being angry with God, but I am. I feel like He might strike me down. I'm not blaming Him for anything, but I just don't understand the bigger picture. It's easy to trust Him when times are good, but, when they are bad, that is a testament to strong faith.
Kailee's gravestone was put in this week. It is beautiful. It is causing conflicting feelings. We have been "waiting" for the gravestone to come. Now that it's here, there's nothing left for us to physically do. That leaves me focusing on finishing her room. I wonder what I will do when I run out of things to "do" for Kailee.
Ladybugs have been surrounding me all week! It's amazing, really. I've found at least 3 in the house. I caught one of the kittens trying to knock one off, and I yelled at the kitten! I was AMAZED how protective I felt of a silly little ladybug! I see reminders of Kailee on a regular basis this week. It's very comforting. I feel like she's just reaching out and saying "It's okay to be sad, mommy." I read a quote somewhere that I really liked. I wish I could remember where I read it.... It more or less is a prayer to God. "I wasn't able to hold her in my arms and tell her about you, Lord, but will you hold her in Your arms and tell her about me?" How sweet is that image? To think of Kailee on God's knee being told stories about her parents?
I had another dream about Kailee this week. It was so sweet. I dreamt that she was in heaven playing in the clouds. She was playing with another baby of one of my "mommy friends." She plopped right up to him and kissed him on the forehead and then giggled. It was so cute! I believe I miss her more and more everyday.
Sheesh.... I have absolutely no clue how to answer this one. I know I'm angry, but it's not directed towards a certain person. I'm just angry about the whole situation. I'm angry that we don't have a 4 week old right now. That's nobody's fault. It's just something that happened--- a fluke, really. If I really am telling myself the truth, I'm actually angry with God. I feel guilty for being angry with God, but I am. I feel like He might strike me down. I'm not blaming Him for anything, but I just don't understand the bigger picture. It's easy to trust Him when times are good, but, when they are bad, that is a testament to strong faith.
Kailee's gravestone was put in this week. It is beautiful. It is causing conflicting feelings. We have been "waiting" for the gravestone to come. Now that it's here, there's nothing left for us to physically do. That leaves me focusing on finishing her room. I wonder what I will do when I run out of things to "do" for Kailee.
Ladybugs have been surrounding me all week! It's amazing, really. I've found at least 3 in the house. I caught one of the kittens trying to knock one off, and I yelled at the kitten! I was AMAZED how protective I felt of a silly little ladybug! I see reminders of Kailee on a regular basis this week. It's very comforting. I feel like she's just reaching out and saying "It's okay to be sad, mommy." I read a quote somewhere that I really liked. I wish I could remember where I read it.... It more or less is a prayer to God. "I wasn't able to hold her in my arms and tell her about you, Lord, but will you hold her in Your arms and tell her about me?" How sweet is that image? To think of Kailee on God's knee being told stories about her parents?
I had another dream about Kailee this week. It was so sweet. I dreamt that she was in heaven playing in the clouds. She was playing with another baby of one of my "mommy friends." She plopped right up to him and kissed him on the forehead and then giggled. It was so cute! I believe I miss her more and more everyday.
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