Dear Friends and Family, It was recommended that I write a grief letter to help people I love understand what I’m going through and how to help me. I will try. I have been through the worst year of my life. Losing a child is not only the loss of Kailee, but the loss of me being a mother, too. Going through this has been far more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Grief is messy and unpredictable. Thank you for being my friend and being concerned with helping me.
As most of you know, I am pregnant again. I want you to know that this doesn’t “magically” make losing Kailee better. If anything, it makes my grief much, much worse. The pregnancy hormones make my reactions to things unpredictable not to mention I am walking same path this year with no idea if it will end in a baby that I get to bring home with me.
Most of the time, I am just scared of losing this baby along with missing my Kailee. It has been harder to attach, emotionally, to this baby because of the loss of our daughter. In a way, I think I’m just trying to protect myself--- even though, cognitively I understand there is no way to do that. The only comfort I get at this point is knowing that, even if Cole dies, we will get to see and hold him. I am far enough along now that we will be able to do that.
I want you to know that you will see me cry from time to time, though I have gotten to the point where I can somewhat control this. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m crying. I do know that grief has made my emotions extremely intense. If my actions or words don’t always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. If I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.
One thing that I have found really frustrating is that some people think we have “gotten over” our loss because it’s been “X” number of months. Let me just say that it doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 weeks or 200 years. I lost my daughter. There is nothing I can do to get her back. I go to the cemetery weekly to visit her and read her books. My thoughts are consumed with how to honor her on all the anniversaries, holidays…. And especially her upcoming birthday. Other mother’s are planning birthday parties… I can’t plan a birthday party for my dead child.
More than anything, I need your understanding. You don’t always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don’t know how to respond. Just tell me you don’t know what to say and leave it at that. I understand.
One of the most hurtful things that has happened since we lost Kailee is that people are afraid to talk about her. There are some people that I have considered friends who have said NOTHING to me about her death or even asked me about her. I guess I can understand they are afraid it will upset me, but it hurts when bringing up her name silences a roomful of people. If she were alive, people would be asking all the time. This has lead to some resentment on my part, which I need prayer to help let go of. Now that I’m pregnant again, these same people ask multiple questions about Cole. It makes me feel like Kailee was insignificant to them because she didn’t live, and I honestly don't feel like sharing the "happy" part of pregnancy with them.
Please don’t wait for me to call you since, mostly, I am just too sad to do so. If I tend to withdraw from you (which I have been doing), please don’t let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months, if not several years. I would appreciate your prayers. We prayed for Kailee so long and so hard, but Brent and I need prayers for healing, too. Our family has been broken. We will never get that back.
If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don’t stop sharing if I begin to cry. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. It’s all right, and any tears you express as we talk are alright, too. I love to talk about Kailee. It might make me a little sad, but since she hasn’t made “relationships” with other people, I don’t get to hear stories about her that I’ve never heard. Just talking about her makes her feel like she was here.
Please know that I don’t need fixing…. That is God’s job. Your love, patience and prayers will sustain me through this time. God is faithful, and He knows what I need. Losing Kailee is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I will survive, and eventually recover. This knowledge gives me hope, even though there are plenty of times I don’t feel it. I know that I won’t always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again, someday. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Please pray that God will use this time of grieving to grow me and equip me to help others with greater complassion than ever before. I know I will not just survive…. Joy will return. Pray this will happen soon. Thank you for caring enough to read this letter.
Carrie
As most of you know, I am pregnant again. I want you to know that this doesn’t “magically” make losing Kailee better. If anything, it makes my grief much, much worse. The pregnancy hormones make my reactions to things unpredictable not to mention I am walking same path this year with no idea if it will end in a baby that I get to bring home with me.
Most of the time, I am just scared of losing this baby along with missing my Kailee. It has been harder to attach, emotionally, to this baby because of the loss of our daughter. In a way, I think I’m just trying to protect myself--- even though, cognitively I understand there is no way to do that. The only comfort I get at this point is knowing that, even if Cole dies, we will get to see and hold him. I am far enough along now that we will be able to do that.
I want you to know that you will see me cry from time to time, though I have gotten to the point where I can somewhat control this. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m crying. I do know that grief has made my emotions extremely intense. If my actions or words don’t always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. If I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.
One thing that I have found really frustrating is that some people think we have “gotten over” our loss because it’s been “X” number of months. Let me just say that it doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 weeks or 200 years. I lost my daughter. There is nothing I can do to get her back. I go to the cemetery weekly to visit her and read her books. My thoughts are consumed with how to honor her on all the anniversaries, holidays…. And especially her upcoming birthday. Other mother’s are planning birthday parties… I can’t plan a birthday party for my dead child.
More than anything, I need your understanding. You don’t always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don’t know how to respond. Just tell me you don’t know what to say and leave it at that. I understand.
One of the most hurtful things that has happened since we lost Kailee is that people are afraid to talk about her. There are some people that I have considered friends who have said NOTHING to me about her death or even asked me about her. I guess I can understand they are afraid it will upset me, but it hurts when bringing up her name silences a roomful of people. If she were alive, people would be asking all the time. This has lead to some resentment on my part, which I need prayer to help let go of. Now that I’m pregnant again, these same people ask multiple questions about Cole. It makes me feel like Kailee was insignificant to them because she didn’t live, and I honestly don't feel like sharing the "happy" part of pregnancy with them.
Please don’t wait for me to call you since, mostly, I am just too sad to do so. If I tend to withdraw from you (which I have been doing), please don’t let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months, if not several years. I would appreciate your prayers. We prayed for Kailee so long and so hard, but Brent and I need prayers for healing, too. Our family has been broken. We will never get that back.
If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don’t stop sharing if I begin to cry. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. It’s all right, and any tears you express as we talk are alright, too. I love to talk about Kailee. It might make me a little sad, but since she hasn’t made “relationships” with other people, I don’t get to hear stories about her that I’ve never heard. Just talking about her makes her feel like she was here.
Please know that I don’t need fixing…. That is God’s job. Your love, patience and prayers will sustain me through this time. God is faithful, and He knows what I need. Losing Kailee is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I will survive, and eventually recover. This knowledge gives me hope, even though there are plenty of times I don’t feel it. I know that I won’t always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again, someday. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Please pray that God will use this time of grieving to grow me and equip me to help others with greater complassion than ever before. I know I will not just survive…. Joy will return. Pray this will happen soon. Thank you for caring enough to read this letter.
Carrie
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