I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. After losing Kailee, I insisted that I was a mommy to everyone I came into contact with. I still believe that to the core of my being. Let me tell you.... being a mommy to a living, breathing baby is HARD WORK, but being a mommy to an angel is much, much harder. Being Colson's mommy is so much different. I have become much more efficient, that's for sure. I can pump, feed him and work on the computer all at the same time. Crazy, right? Being a mommy to an angel is a different kind of work. It's trying to figure out ways to keep your child's memory alive. It's figuring out ways to honor birthdays, Christmas' ...etc. It's trying to figure out which flowers she would like on her grave, which outfits she would have liked to wear, what she would have looked like at 2 months old....3 months old...etc.

Being Colson's mommy has been hard work, but very rewarding. I hate to write this, but I need to because it's true and I want it to be an accurate portrayal of pregnancy/babies after loss. It took me awhile to bond with Colson. At 28 weeks, I "let" myself begin to plan for him. As I was pushing him out, I imagined his funeral because I was sure they were going to tell me that he was dead. We brought him home and here was this little stranger. I call him a stranger because we really had to get to know each other. He didn't know me and I didn't know him. I went through the motions of feeding, diapering, cuddling, etc with him, loving him the whole time I was doing it, but not feeling that "bond." I felt like I was taking care of someone elses' child.

This week was different. This week I saw my child get his 2 month shots and I bawled seeing him in that much pain. I held him all day yesterday as he ran a fever and gave him tylenol every 4 hours. Last night, he looked at me and smiled when he saw my face and then laughed at me for the first time. That sent me over the edge. We are bonded. I now know what to do when he's fussy or upset. I feel like an old pro at calming him.

Why did it take me so long to bond with him? I guess the truth is I was always bonded with him, but it was hard for me to admit that because I was still so afraid of losing him. I have to tell you, I'm still afraid of losing him. It's not as bad as when I was pregnant, but it's still there. Once you've lost a child, nothing is ever the same.

"Is this your first baby?" I can't tell you how much this question has come up now that we have Colson with us out in public. It's a terrible question, really, for a mother who has lost a child. How do you answer that? I've talked with a number of different people who have many different takes on how to answer it. I, personally, feel that if someone asks, they need to be prepared for the answer. I always say that he's our first living child. I know I've blogged about this before, but I feel like I should do it again because it's just been happening so much lately.

Colson is perfect. He wakes up two times during the night for diaper change and a feeding. He only cries when something is wrong--- unfortunately he thinks that pooping means that something is wrong! :-) He has kept me so busy over the last 7 weeks. I can hardly believe it's been 7 weeks. I love him more than I can put into words. I love both my children more than I can put into words.

I think about how lonely and terrible it was last February. I think about my blog post from Feb 1st last year a lot. This was the one where I was really letting out a lot of anger. (I try to be diplomatic on this site because I don't know who's reading, but I do have a private site just for me where I can freely vent unedited.)