I'm feeling sad today. I'm not sure whether or not there was a trigger for it, but I just feel like we're missing something. I find myself looking at our pictures on the wall a lot. There are Kailee's NILMDTS pictures and pictures of Colson. With Colson, he's smiling and growing and changing. With Kailee, they are the same pictures over and over. no growing. No changing. Just the same pictures. Every day.

I am really lucky to have been able to find a network of other mommies who lost their babies. I continue to be amazed at being a part of this "family." I call us a family because I feel like I know them even though we've never met. We're called BLM's. (baby loss mom's)

The day we found out Kailee's diagnosis, I went online. I found another BLM who I have become very good friends with. She had found out a few weeks before that her son wouldn't make it. She was due 1 month before me. She taught me and helped walk me through and process feelings those first few weeks. After I had Kailee, she was still pregnant. I felt like I was able to return the favor and "help" walk her through it. SInce then, we've been texting and phone call fools!

It's been amazing to know her at her darkest time and to also see her with her rainbow baby girl! We were lucky enough to be pregnant at the same time (3 months apart this time). It was fun to share our positive pregnancy results and all the other "fun" aspects of pregnancy, but it was amazing to be able to talk about the anxiety and paralyzing fear without being judged or written off.

We may have never "met", but I love her like a sister and feel like an auntie to her son and daughter! <3

Today we attended at Butterfly release at Alive Hospice. My parents purchased a monarch butterfly in memory of Kailee. We were able to go and watch the butterflies be released. It was a very pretty sight! On the way home, we had a hitch-hiker! A butterfly latched onto my mom's purse. It wanted to come home with us! We put it on Kailee's tree in our yard and it stayed there for awhile.

It was pretty cool to be able to witness that. Our hospice workers weren't able to make it. That was a little disappointing to me because I really wanted them to meet Colson, but we are going to plan a trip to meet them in Nashville soon.

Colson is growing like a weed! We weighed him tonight and he's 21.5 pounds! YIKES! He has outgrown his baby carseat and moved onto a big boy carseat. One of his favorite things to do is to "swim"! We put him in the garden tub with me and he kicks and splashed and laughs so much. It's incredibly sweet. He doesn't even mind water getting into his eyes!