Tomorrow will be FIVE YEARS since we received Kailee's fatal diagnosis. HOW in the world is that even possible? I have had so many emotions just floating around in there. I work at an elementary school and this year's beginning of school has affected me more than I'd like to admit. Seeing those little backpacks begin school, knowing that Kailee would be 5 this year and we would be starting Kindergarden next year.......... I have to stand back and THINK about that. My kid would start SCHOOL next Fall! That's ridiculous.
Most people don't say anything about Kailee anymore. The focus has turned to my boys--- as it should be. My boys are alive, they're vibrant, they're troublemakers, they're beautiful, they're stubborn, but most of all---- they are very best of friends. Colson takes care of Lucas and Lucas takes care of Colson. I always wonder what it would be like with Kailee thrown in there.
Tomorrow begins a 7 week span of time that I have a VERY difficult time walking. September 15th to October 31st is always the toughest time of year for me. It's been made easier by my little guys, but my heart still aches for the one who isn't here.
I sat down to read Job earlier this month. I did a Bible study shortly after Kailee died on this book of the Bible with a study guide called "Holding onto Hope." One verse really stood out to me, and during times where I'm bawling in the car again, this verse has been ringing out in my head.
Job 2:10 Job answered, "You sound like one of those fools on the street corner! How can we accept all the good things that God gives us and not accept the problems?"
God has given me SO MANY good things. It's easy for me to accept them. My husband, my children--- all THREE of them--- they are good and they are all from God. My human brain has so much trouble processing why my child died, but I don't think that's something I'm supposed to understand. I got to hold her and kiss her and touch her. Our time was limited. But--- with that said, isn't all our time limited here? I only get to hold my boys a limited period of time too. Only He knows how long that is. Kailee's time was just much, much shorter.
Please keep my family in your prayers over the next few weeks. This is the hardest time of year for us. Our sweet girl is about to celebrate her 5th birthday in heaven.

It has been forever since I updated. I have been meaning to, but the weebly app I was so excited about isn't working correctly. Since the last update, Lucas has been born! He's here and he's healthy.

It started on Tuesday, September 21. I was 36 weeks, 3 days. My blood pressure, which had been awesome through the whole pregnancy spiked. I kept watch on it and then on Thursday I started feeling very odd at work. I felt like my heart was skipping beats and I couldn't catch my breath when this happened. (I later learned that I was slightly anemic) I had taken my blood pressure cuff to work with me and it was pretty high. I called the clinic on my way home that day and they were concerned enough to have me come straight in. At the clinic, my blood pressure was high so they sent me to the labor and delivery unit to be monitored.

I got to the hospital around 6pm. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a blood pressure cuff and had me lie down on the bed. My friend, Jill, came to keep me company as Brent was at home taking care of Colson. My blood pressures calmed down while I was there and my bloodwork looked good. They were getting ready to send me home. I decided I didn't want to be on the stretcher anymore and got up to sit in the chair by the bed. They were still monitoring my blood pressure at this point and it became unstable in the sitting position. At the point, I was told I was being admitted to the hospital overnight. I was scared to death and really upset because I hadn't seen Colson all day.

I was moved to the post partum wing of the hospital to be monitored. My blood pressure was so high that it took almost 2 hours to begin my IV line because my veins were so bad off. I got settled around 1am. My wonderful friend had stayed with me this whole time even though she had to go to work the next day and lived 45 minutes away. :-)  She's pretty awesome.

The next day, I was monitored through the day and remained on hospital bedrest. My pressures didn't come down and Dr. Spetalnick came in to talk with me that afternoon. Dr. Spetalnick and I have a love/hate relationship. At 20 weeks with Colson, we were in a car accident. Dr. S was on-call. When I called to talk with him, he was pretty rude and I told Brent that I REFUSED to have him in the delivery room when Colson was born. Well...... he was the delivery doctor the night Colson was born..... and we also are thankful that he was there. When Colson was in trouble, Dr S was the one who took control, jumped on my stomach and maneuvered Colson out. See what I mean? Love/Hate..... Anyway, Dr S told me that he thought the best course of action would be to deliver Lucas as soon as possible. So.... calls were made and I was moved to a delivery room around 1am on Saturday morning.

I was started on a medicine to soften and dilate my cervix. The contractions started up pretty quickly and I began dilating. Around 6am, I was feeling the contractions pretty strongly and asked for the epidural. The epidural was in by 8am, and I felt better. We rested the remainder of the day and watched tv--- it was sort of exciting because the Goodlettsville Baseball team was playing in the World Series! I continued to dilate slowly through the day and the contractions were picking up slowly. I can't remember what time they started Pitocin, but they did. My water was also broken during this time.

Around 11pm that night, I was dilated to a 7-8. I began to hurt. The epidural was failing. I could feel everything. I have never felt such pain in my life. I felt like my hips were being ripped apart. I wasn't prepared to feel pain--- Colson was 10 pounds and I hardly felt anything! I came into this delivery not prepared for the intense amount of pain that I would feel over the next 7 hours. We kept calling anesthesia to do extra medicine, but it would only last around 45 minutes before wearing off. Apparently I wasn't very "nice" during this phase of labor. All I remember from it was the intense pain. I have never felt pain like that.

During this time, Lucas' heart rate kept doing weird things. This made my anxiety go into hyperdrive. They started oxygen on me and came in to reposition me so that his heartrate stayed in the normal range. I was crying and exhaustion had set in. There really was no reasoning with me. The doctor came in to talk with me. He asked what was going on and why I was so anxious. I told him that I was afraid Lucas was going to die. He asked why I felt like that. (I should mention here that this doctor-- whom I had never met before that night--had been confident and a bit arrogant everytime he had come to talk with me through the day). I told him that my daughter had died and I was afraid. His demeanor changed immediately. He walked me step by step through when they would begin worrying about the baby. He reassured me that my nurse was watching the monitor at the nurses' station even when she wasn't in my room. He told me that nothing he saw was concerning him at this point and he told me they would intervene well before Lucas got into serious trouble. He held my hand while talking to me. It was exactly what I needed in that moment.

I labored for a few more hours---- PAIN!!!! They had me begin pushing around 5:45 am. Lucas was coming fast. He was born at 5:59am and placed on my stomach.

Let me say that again-- he was placed on my stomach. There was no whisking him away so NICU could check him out. The room was filled with baby cries and congratulations--- a stark difference from both Kailee and Colson's birth. I got to touch him and kiss him and SEE him breathe. He had a head full of jet black hair, same as my Kailee. He looked so much like her at birth. It was pretty incredible. When I was ready, they took him to clean him up and weigh him. He was 8 lbs, 11oz---- that's a pretty good size for a 40 week baby---- Lucas was born at 37 weeks, 1 day. I can't imagine how big he would have been had he gone 2 more weeks! I had just had a NORMAL birth. :-)

Lucas is now 6 weeks and doing well. He is growing at the same rate Colson is and is now a hoss. We had some problems with his bilirubin after birth. We had to stay an extra day at vanderbilt and then we were home 2 days before his pediatrician admitted him to the local hospital to be put on phototherapy. That has completely resolved now and he's doing great at home with us. He is a wonderful addition to our family.

Colson is still adjusting to baby Lucas. He has a hard time understanding why his mommy is holding another baby. He likes to point at baby Lucas' toes and nose. He also thinks it's HILARIOUS when baby Lucas cries. Colson has become more verbal in the last few months, too. It's pretty funny. We'll ask him if he needs his diaper changed and he yell "Noooooo!!!!" and run off with his little toddler run. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

I have almost made it to 33 weeks! That is so strange to me.... This pregnancy has really flown by. I have started bi-weekly appointments. My blood pressure is great and Lucas is growing well. He was 4 lbs, 14oz at our ultrasound last week.

This kid moves like crazy! I can hardly believe it. Otherwise, not much else to write about because everything is NORMAL. Blessedly normal. What a wonderful word.....

Maybe this will make it easier for me to post! :-) I am 31 weeks, 4 days pregnant now. Lucas is so active. Brent was able to feel his crazy movements this week. He said he had never felt a baby move that much before. We will definitely have our hands full!

I start my testing this Friday. Every Friday I will have a BPP and every Tuesday I will have a NST. The doctor will be monitoring so closely because of my blood pressure issues. I'm glad I'll be that closely watched, but it's also hard because my job is an hour away from my doctors office.

Lucas continues to measure between the 49-61st percentile on each ultrasound. They say not to get too excited- the 3rd trimester is when baby's put on the most weight. I secretly am looking forward to actually using some of the newborn clothes! :-)

Otherwise, everything continues to roll smoothly here. Colson is amazing. He is learning and growing at an incredible rate. He's so curious about the world and I love watching him grow.

It's been awhile. Shocker, right? Let me start by saying that everything is going perfectly. I am feeling good and Lucas is moving around like a crazy man! It's interesting. They say every pregnancy is different and they weren't lying. This pregnancy has pretty much been a breeze. I'm starting to feel the effects of the 3rd trimester, so it seems it will only get more uncomfortable from here on out.

Lucas is measuring in the 49th percentile..... yes, you read that right.... he's not HUGE like Cole and Kailee. I am also having ZERO blood pressure problems this go round. By this time with Colson, we had already been to L&D a few times to be monitored.

Today is the day in this pregnancy that I had my sweet little Kailee. It's been on my mind all day. Lucas, thankfully, must sense that I'm a little on edge because he has been kicking me hard enough to make my belly jump all day. It's a surreal feeling knowing that I am passing the point in pregnancy again where my water broke with Kailee. I have to keep reminding myself that Lucas is safe and healthy.

We have started preparing for him. We don't have to do much, so that's good. We have bought the extra Angel Care monitor and we have also bought and set up the crib in our bedroom. I have washed Lucas' diapers and plan on washing all our newborn/0-3 month clothes in the next few weeks. I believe that's all we have to do to be prepared. It's crazy, but nice.

Our ultrasound is over. Surprisingly I woke up this morning really excited about seeing our little one again. I counted down the hours until our appointment and was ecstatic when I saw the baby moving as soon as she put the ultrasound wand on my belly. Lucas must have been excited too because he has been popping me with little kicks all day long! He was crazy wild during the ultrasound. I couldn't believe how much he was moving around. The ultrasound tech kept commenting on how active he was. His amniotic fluid level was NORMAL and he has kidneys and a working bladder! Those were my main concerns. She wasn't able to see all of the anatomy of the heart, so she said that I would need another scan in 4 weeks. That's great news. It means I get to see him again.

So... obviously we are having another little boy. I am incredibly excited about another healthy baby in our family. It makes me a little sad that Kailee will be our only little girl, but I know that Colson will absolutely adore having a little brother to pal around with.

I've been quiet. Very, very quiet. I can't believe what I difficult time I have had with this appointment coming up. The bottom line is that I'm scared. I'm scared that something is going to be wrong. I'm scared we'll have to go through what we did with Kailee again. I'm just plain scared. On top of all being afraid stuff, I also feel guilty for wanting another healthy baby. These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Crazy boughts of crying, anxious thoughts and actual flashbacks to receiving Kailee's diagnosis. Remembering what it was like to hear that doctor say "This baby have minimal chance of survival". Remembering what how cold that ultrasound table was. Remembering flashes of Kailee's little face the night she was born. Remembering leaving the hospital as if nothing had happened and leaving my daughter  in the cold morgue. I've been analyzing and over-analyzing symptoms. Do I feel movement? Is it normal movement? Why don't I look pregnant yet? ....etc, etc, etc.

I haven't made it known when out anatomy scan is unless someone directly asks. It irritates me when people ask "When do you find out if it's a boy or girl?" The anatomy ultrasound is NOT ABOUT FINDING OUT GENDER! It's a nice perk of it, but it's main purpose is to check for vital organs and growth. No one knows this better than me.

So.... obviously I'm a bit angry and scared. Our ultrasound is 2 days away right now. I wanted to write this post prior to the appointment, but I'm not ready to post it now. So, it will be saved and I will post it sometime later.