It's been 3 months..... a quarter of a year.... 92 days since Kailee was born and died. We've spent today celebrating Kailee in a few different ways. We had a big snowstorm here in Tennessee. We made our way out to her grave today, and made her a little snowman. Every kid should have a snowman during a big snow! It's very cute! We also finished putting up the wallpaper border in her room. The room looks so different with the border--- it looks like a child's room! We're having a friend paint animals on the wall, too, so it should be done pretty soon!
I love doing things for Kailee.
I've been feeling guilty for laughing this week. Isn't that insane? Laughing feels so out of place, but there it is. That's good. I love to laugh! Mostly, I love to make others laugh. I'm glad this part is coming back, even if I do feel guilty about it. Kailee wouldn't want me to be sad all the time---- so I won't. On good days, I'm going to laugh, and on bad days, I will go ahead and cry.
I was talking with a child this week who has faced tragedy as well. This child is incredibly sensitive to tears of others who are sad. I found myself telling her that tears do more healing than hurting. That is very true..... I can not even begin to count the number of tears that I've shed over my Kailee Bug..... I know there will be AT LEAST that many more through my lifetime, but I picture God's thumb coming down from heaven and wiping each tear away. I am not alone. I've never been alone, and I will never be alone. That's a comforting thought to me.
I've had a song running through my head the past 48 hours that I really love. It's called "I Will Carry You" by Selah. It was written by a mother whose baby was diagnosed with a fatal illness during pregnancy and chose to carry her full term. Here are the words:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you
How beautiful it is to think of God carrying ME while my heart beats here.... just as I did for Kailee. It's an incredible song with an incredible message. To think about the fact that God CHOSE me to carry her gives me chill bumps. I wonder what I'm supposed to learn from this or who I'm supposed to help.... I'm glad He chose me to carry Kailee all her life. It was an honor.
Well, it's officially here. Today is what should have been Kailee's due date. No one ever tells you-- when they give you that due date-- that things could turn out badly. No one tells you that instead of a day full of joyful anticipation, it could be one filled with sadness and tears. We should have had the nursery ready, the baby showers would have been done, I would be finishing up work stuff in anticipation of being off for 2 months. None of that is happening today. Instead, I plan on running by JoAnne's Fabric store to get some pretty pink ribbon to decorate my baby's headstone. I picked out 2 special books before work this morning to read to her at her graveside--- "Love You Forever" and "The Ladybug Girl." That's what I'm doing on my daughter's due date.
As I'm at work today, I've made everyone well aware of what today means. They have been prepped for emotional breakdowns and boughts of anger. I feel neither of those. I feel completely numb. Not something I would have thought I would feel, but I do. I look around at people doing "normal" things and it amazes me that nothing is "normal" for me.
We ordered Kailee's headstone. It's not fair that the first headstone I have ever ordered is for a daughter I never knew.
I broke down last week. Friday was a terribly emotional day for me. I heard about another mother who was being induced today, and it sent me over the edge. I cried and cried all afternoon. I never thought of other babies being born on my angel's day.
So, I sit here now realizing that my normal is different. I found a poem that really made a lot of sense to me:
MY NEW “NORMAL”
Author Unknown
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my baby's memory and her birthday and survive these days.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time how many children you will tell a stranger that you have, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your bab.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.
This week was pretty good. It's interesting.... just when you think you're getting into a groove, BAM! I had a couple of incredibly difficult moments this week that sent me back a few steps. I have cried on my way to work at least 3 times this week. I had forgotten, but that was the main time that I LOVED spending with Kailee. I would talk with her and tell her lots of things about me, her dad...etc. I just feel so empty and alone as I drive to and from work. Brent has been "lucky" enough to call me during a couple of crying spells and has been able to calm me down and get me laughing again.
Seeing kids isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I've had a few kids ask me about Kailee. I have been happy to talk about her. I saw a woman this week who is due at the end of January, and that was extremely hard for me to see. She's due 5 days after me, and I got so upset. It happened very quickly and I just couldn't keep the tears from coming.
There has also been a tragedy at our school this week. A small child died. Small children shouldn't die..... it's just not fair. I have been trying to imagine how that mother must feel all week. To have known her child for months and then to have that child die. My heart aches so deeply for her and her family.
On a more positive note, I mailed Kailee's birth announcements this week. They are so beautiful!!! (Thank you Pamela!) I have been so proud because it has opened a door for people to feel comfortable asking me about Kailee. I love talking about my daughter.
As the last day of the work week draws to a close, I have a lot to be thankful for. It went so much better than I thought it would! There were so many smiles and laughs and only a few tears. The week has been easy because we've had 2 snow days! I spent one day at school this week and 2 days at the office. Thursday I got to hang out with Brent all day for our snow day, and today is just a "catch-up" day. It's been very nice. I am actually ready to hit the ground running next week! I've said it over and over, but if you are experiencing any type of grief, CONNECT yourself to other people who have been where you are! They are a support system that cannot be duplicated! I've met many women who have lost their children this year. Three, in particular, I feel very close to. They have provided baby mementos and a shoulder to cry on 24/7. The latest mommy has made Kailee her very own birth announcement! I'm so excited about those!!!! They are incredible! I ordered a whole bunch and plan on addressing them and sending them out over the next few weeks. If you are reading this and definitely want one, please email me with your address so I can make sure you get one. [email protected] Brent and I are going to participate in a program called GriefShare at our church. It's a support group for people who are grieving. It's a 13 week program that runs Tuesday nights from 7-8:30 at Walter Hill Church of Christ in Murfreesboro. The first night is February 2nd and the cost is $15 for materials--- if you are unable to pay, that's not a problem. I encourage anyone who is grieving ANYTHING to come and check it out. We're excited about what it has to offer. I've considered starting a support group in Murfreesboro for people who have suffered from miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. It's such a unique loss, and I really want to do something to help other people who have been through this. I will begin planning for this group in the next year--- I know I need to take care of myself before embarking on this, but I did want to mention it. My next hurdle is Kailee's due date. She was officially due on January 25th. I don't know what feelings to expect that day. We were supposed to be filled with joy and excitement, but that's just not how it ended up. For those of you that have been there, any suggestions?
I'm well into day 3 of being back at work. It's so different, but familiar at the same time. The job requirements and the stress are still here, but knowing stress as I have the last 4 months makes it easier to deal with.
I had a great day yesterday! I was able to be at my school and see friends I hadn't seen in over 2 months. It was wonderful! I love it when people ask how I'm doing--- it's so much better than just ignoring the situation. Sometimes, I feel like I'm screaming in my head "JUST ASK ME HOW I'M DOING!!! ASK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!" I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, though. I don't know how I would feel if I were in their shoes. I do know that I look at death and dying very differently. I'm not afraid to die anymore. I look forward to meeting my baby.
|
RSS Feed