I am 8 weeks pregnant today. 5 days left before our first ultrasound. I got my blood test results back and everything was absolutely perfect. Praise God!

I've been having more symptoms this week. Food aversions are the biggest thing. When I FINALLY find something I think I can stomach, I'll get halfway through it and it will be REVOLTING to me. I guess this is meant to keep the weight gain down in the first trimester! It's working!

I've been exhausted--- not sleepy, I just want to sit like a lump in my chair and not move. I'll be able to do that next week. Work is over for the summer and I don't have to go back until August! Yay!

Kailee's room is almost finished. It just needs the finishing touches on the walls and then we'll move the furniture back and it will be perfect! I've missed going in her room and just sitting. The furniture is all in the middle of the floor right now and there are clear tarps everywhere so no extra paint goes where it's not supposed to...

7 months is coming up on Monday. I try to stop myself, but sometimes I wonder what she would be doing at 7 months old. I know she would be smiling at us... would she be able to sit by herself yet? I was looking forward to spending this summer with Kailee; instead, I will spend it pregnant again hoping for the best......

This has been a really hard week. The anxiety is just overwhelming. It got to be so bad that I actually called the doctor to see if they could just check my pregnancy hormone to make sure it is where it's supposed to be. They agreed, and I had my blood drawn today. Hopefully that will put me at ease. 11 days left until our scheduled ultrasound.

We have one week of work left--- thank God--- because it is getting more and more stressful everyday.

Symptoms are still here. I monitor myself all the time. I HATE that I am worrying this much. I HATE that we've had 3 losses and it's made me into this crazy person who gets freaked out over every little thing. I know I have no control, so worrying really isn't getting me anywhere, but I can't seem to make myself stop. Hopefully it will get better after our ultrasound. Surely it will get better...

I've made it to 6 weeks..... wow.... tomorrow is a trigger day for me. We lost our first little baby at 6w1d, so I'm sort of dreading tomorrow.

I am still having symptoms. I'm freezing Brent out, I've noticed that I'm just really hungry today.... I've learned that jolly ranchers help to ease my morning sickness. I'm pretty tired a lot of the time, but that's fine with me.

The biggest thing is that I am so angry all the time. I'm not even sure why. This last month of work has been a really big stressor for me.... I know my hormones are revving up and that has something to do with it. I also think it has to do with being pregnant again and being so scared.

I tell myself over and over through the day that everything will be alright, but my fears are coming out in my dreams. I am having dreams that I'm getting stabbed in my belly.... that people are stealing the baby....etc... I wake up pretty freaked out.

I am going to assume this is normal. I am also very angry about having to endure the 1st trimester all over again..... the first trimester is just so hard on my body--- always feeling sick, being so tired, being so moody. I know and understand why I have to go through it, but it still makes me angry that I do.

My solution for all of this is trying to take each day one day at a time. Being pregnant again has NOT made the grief of Kailee magically get better.... if anything, it's making it worse. I remember Kailee causing morning sickness....etc. A year ago today, we got our positive pregnancy test for our little angel..... this pregnancy doesn't make these memories go away---- she is still my daughter and my first born.....

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm not sure how I feel about this day. It's a day set aside for mother's. Brent is being really sweet--- he's done his secret shopping and I know he's setting us up the perfect day tomorrow. He asked me what I wanted to do, and I want to do all of Kailee's favorite things--- drinking orange juice and eating cinnamon teddy grahams. I want to go to the cemetary and say hello. I want to kiss her little hand and foot molds and hug her little monkey blanket.

Not everyone sees me as a mother. A mother is supposed to have a baby or a child, right? WRONG! You can't tell a mother by just looking at her. A mother is a feeling in your heart. A mother is someone who has been pregnant and loved a child from that moment of seeing a positive pregnancy test. A woman becomes a mother the first moment that she sees those two lines whether or not a baby comes. Some of you reading this have friends who do not have children here on this earth---- their babies have gone to heaven. PLEASE, PLEASE don't discount them as mothers! Just because we haven't gotten to experience late night feedings or projectile vomiting doesn't mean we don't fit in that category. We have buried our babies---- something that, THANKFULLY, most mothers will never have to do.

So on this Mother's Day, please remember ALL the momma's out there--- with or without earthly children.

We never "officially" had a 6 month anniversary for Kailee's birth and death. I sort of like not having to endure the 31st every month. Brent and I chose to look at the 30th as her 6 month mark. We went to the cemetary and put a monkey ribbon on her headstone. I went earlier this week because I wanted to read her another book, but there was a man close by who was acting sort of strangely, so I left.

Hopefully I will get to read her that book very soon.

This pregnancy is so weird. My due date is 18 days before Kailee's due date last year. The time of year reminds me of being pregnant with Kailee. The cravings are definitely different..... with Kailee I wanted sweet things all the time. Last night, I could have eaten an onion like an apple. I have been seriously craving things with onions in it. Gross!

Other than heartburn and cravings and being very hot, nothing much else has changed. One month from today we will get our first ultrasound. I am praying so hard that there will be a little heartbeat there.

We spent this weekend staying out of the rain. Tennessee flooded so badly that school is cancelled today. Saturday afternoon I was hunkered down in the closet while we were waiting to hear if a tornado was coming through. definitely exciting, but not in a good way!