I can't believe it's been 10 months. Not much to say today. Just sad and wanted to make a post. I love you Kailee Bug.

I can hardly believe I'm already at 21 weeks! Colson is starting to get a sleep/wake cycle, which I hope doesn't carry over to after he's born! He sleeps until noon everyday and then is awake for a few hours after lunch. Back to sleep for a few hours and then from 4 to after midnight he's kicking and squirming. There will be some days I don't feel him move at all, but I usually don't go more than 36 hours without feeling him move.

After all the worry ,about shopping too prematurely, I am now in full nesting mode. Our doc told us that Colson would be viable at 24 weeks, and that's only 3 weeks from today! Each day after that he "cooks" is just icing on his developmental cake! The doctor said at 28 weeks, Vanderbilt has 100% survival rate in children born that early! Yay!

The panic is setting in. We will be bringing him home. That is exciting and scary all at the same time. I've never been pregnant with a child I have been able to bring home and care for. The "normal" freak-outs have begun and I'm starting to feel the need to get the house clean, to get him clothes and diapers and everything else a little baby needs. :-) It's definitely a new feeling, but it's a good one! We're preparing for a baby.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I wanted to say it again. A lot of people who have had losses have a very difficult time once the baby is born and with them. Having a baby is such an abstract concept until it actually happens and you're faced with the all night feedings, crying and diaper changes. I look forward to all of this, but I also know it will be stressful, too. But a good kind of stress. :-) And a very welcome type of stress.... No one will ever be able to say we didn't want you, Cole!

Week 20 has been very interesting.... We were in a car accident on Sunday afternoon. As if I wasn't worrying enough! Ha! We were driving through a green light and a woman wasn't paying attention to her own light and barrelled through the intersection. She T-Boned our car and we were send into a skid. I was able to get control of the car, thank goodness, but there was so much damage it had to be towed.

I was so worried about Colson. They checked me out in the ambulance and I had no visible marks on me, but I wondered that the impact had done to him. (She hit the driver's side backseat)

Yesterday, I made an appointment to go see our doctor because I hadn't felt Colson move all day and I wanted him to be checked out. Wouldn't you know that right at the moment before the doctor stepped into the room, he began turning flips and throwing punches/kicks! The doctor assured me that he was WELL protected and something terrible would have to happen to me in order for him to be in real danger.

We were glad to hear this. On Sunday, we called the on call doctor---- he was a jerk! He told me that since I was ONLY 20 weeks, there was nothing they could do and I would miscarry if something was wrong with the baby. He said to call back with any cramping or bleeding. Well... I started having braxton hicks in the afternoon, so I called him back. He then told me the same thing again--- there was nothing he could do to stop a miscarriage--- and don't come to the hospital unless I was doubled over in pain. He had the compassion of a brick wall.

The doctor yesterday made me feel so much better! His exact words were "you'd have to be shot in the abdomen or stabbed in the abdomen for this baby to be in danger." That immediately put my mind at ease!

As I'm writing, Colson is practicing his karate moves in my belly. Poor little thing is hungry! Time to go get some lunch.

Today is a very special day. It's Gabriel's birthday. Gabriel is a little boy who I never got the privilege of meeting, but has touched my heart in a way that I never thought it could be touched. Gabriel only lived two hours, but those two hours have made his parents able to minister to so many others. So many doors of friendship have opened because of this one little boy. WIthout Gabriel, I never would have even heard of his parents. I am so happy to know them. Without Gabriel, this blog that has been so healing for me never would have even existed.

Christians are supposed to help carry one another's burdens. The loss of a child is such a heavy burden--- no one can carry it on their own. I can honestly say that I've never met Gabriel's mommy or daddy face to face, but I feel like I know them better than some people that I consider a good friend. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers today as they are missing their little boy so very much.

Our appointment yesterday went so well. We got to see Colson on the ultrasound, and we were able to bring home the most perfect ultrasound picture! I have a NORMAL level of amniotic fluid!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!! It was amazing to see the difference in the picture quality! She was able to see his bladder (which was full, by the way!) and most of his other organs! He is HEALTHY!

I don't know if I've written about this or not, yet, but after Kailee was born, I developed high blood pressure and had to be put on medication. Because of this, both Colson and I will get much closer monitoring during the second half of the pregnancy. We will receive an ultrasound every 3-4 weeks to check for growth. Pre-eclampsia can cause the baby's growth to be restricted as the blood vessels get restricted. (We are not currently having this problem as Colson is measuring in the 97th percentile for growth!) The possibility of this condition is another worry, but I'm glad they're watching closely and that we will get to see our little boy every few weeks!

I've gone into "new mommy mode." We will be bringing home a little baby in the next few months! I've started to nest. I'm ready to get his room done. I went to a consignment shop this morning (my first time!) and bought 21 outfits and only spent $29.50!!!! They're in the washer/dryer now and I'm so proud of them!

We are picking out baby bedding and updating our registry from Kailee. Thankfully, we didn't know Kailee's gender when we registed at 18 weeks last time, so have been able to keep most of what we registered for. We just need to update it to add boy things!!!!

We've decided to use gdiapers, which are ADORABLE! It consists of a cloth diaper shell and then you put either a cloth insert inside or a disposable insert inside. I have been obsessed with these diapers for some reason. It's the only thing I have let myself get excited about since Kailee died. Weird how I get excited about diapers.....

I can not express how priceless it is to hear the words "healthy baby" from a doctor---especially at the midway point. I've never experienced a "happy" second half of pregnancy, so I am definitely looking forward to enjoying that!

I have updated my grief letter in the tab "Grief Letters"

I am in my 18th week. I can hardly believe it. Lots of new things have been happening this week. I returned to work, which has been really good it seems. I am very excited to have my own office and desk this year. (Last year I sat at a child's desk with a stool which wasn't the most comfortable of environments). I have also started feeling "real" baby movements.

Let me explain. The only movement I have ever felt was Kailee's movement. Kailee wasn't ever able to move like a normal baby because of the lack of amniotic fluid. For the past few weeks I have been feeling the butterfly movements from Cole, but yesterday was the first day I felt different. The only way I can explain it is to say it feels like a balloon is being stretched out and he's slowly pressing his feet in the same spot. This happened throughout the day yesterday. It was pretty amazing.

At the same time, it also makes me sad to realize that Kailee didn't have the room to move around like that. I am going to take this as a good sign that Cole has a lot of room to move around and play!

Our level 2 ultrasound is this Friday to measure the amniotic fluid. I can say I'm not afraid, but I would be lying. Despite all the good signs, I am absolutely terrified the same thing will happen again. Kailee's official diagnosis was Turner's Syndrome which only affects girl's, but I'm really afraid that the Turner's Syndrome wasn't the cause of the kidney issues. Let me just say we have been given no information to make us think this, but it's just another fear that I live with.

I went to Kailee's grave on Thursday. When I pulled up, there were two little baby deer lying down near her grave. They were so cute and it made me cry. It brought me back to the day of the funeral when those 3 deer led her funeral procession into the cemetary.

I find myself crying more and more often lately. I'm not sure if it's hormones or maybe even just the fall season approaching. The fall season is such a reminder of Kailee and all we went through last year. It probably has a lot to do with just being scared about this ultrasound on Friday, too. Heck, truthfully, it's a mixture of all of the above.

For those of you praying, please pray for an uneventful week that moves quickly, and a normal ultrasound on this Friday the 13th.