Kailee was born 2 months ago today. This is the first "31st" that we've had to endure. It's sort of nice that she came on the 31st of the month because we don't have to re-live it EVERY month--- just some of them. This is the first. We went to visit her grave today. We go every week---sometimes a few times a week. I like to go stand over her grave and read her books. I look totally insane, but so many people gave us books for her and it makes me feel better to read them to her.

For those of you that weren't there on the day of the burial, an amazing thing happened! As we drove into the cemetary, three deer were running and actually lead us to her plot. It was an amazing sight. I remember yelling in the car "look at them go! isn't that awesome???" Today, when we pulled up, the same deer were near her grave--- all 3 of them. We like to think our baby was saying hello.

It's been better than I thought it would be. Since it's a holiday, that means that I've been with Brent all day today. That always makes it easier. It's also New Year's Eve--- we are SO VERY EXCITED to say goodbye to this terrible year and move on to a fresh 2010 where we look forward to all the new joys that await us.

Tonight I decided it was time to go through the pile of things from the hospital and the funeral. We haven't unpacked from the hospital or anything--- we just put everything in a pile in our room. I went through it and found a lot of things I didn't know were there. We had a huge pile of programs from the funeral, a funeral book with a guestbook. I was able to look through the guestbook and see who had come--- I honestly can't remember much from the funeral. I just remember sitting by my baby and being content that I got to see her one more time.

Within that pile was also a little bag with a hospital baby blanket in it. It was the blanket she was wrapped in from the hospital to the funeral home. I hugged that blanket and cried for a good 20 minutes. I wish it would have smelled like her. I wish I would have gotten a lotion to rub on Kailee while we were cuddling her so I could smell it and remind myself of her. She had no "smell"--- just "new baby" smell.

Among the things I found was also the outfit she wore that night. I took it out and hugged it, as well. The outfit is laid out on our dresser so that I can run my fingers over it whenever I want to.

I also found a pair of little scissors and tiny ribbons. I assume these were used to try to get a lock of her hair. They weren't able to do this because her hair was too short to cut. I never thought of anyone giving us the scissors, but I'm grateful for them.

I return to work a week from tomorrow. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. I work with children--- that could be a good thing or a bad thing, I'm not sure yet. I anticipate the first week will be the worst. There are a lot of people I work with who I haven't seen since Kailee was born. Seeing the look on other people's faces is the hardest, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of those looks next week. So I will take a deep breath, and try very hard to enjoy what I have left of my maternity leave.

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know I've been apprehensive about Christmas. We decided to not celebrate this year. I must say that I don't regret it at all. Oh, I knew it was Christmas, but it was nice to celebrate in a non-traditional way. Brent and I went shopping and ran errands on Christmas Eve and then watched movies all evening. Then Christmas morning, we woke up and continued with our day as normal. Around 1, I got physically sick to my stomach. I figured it was probably just nerves. I was sick the remainder of Christmas day---- giving me something else to focus on! The upset stomach was a warning sign of a migraine that came on last night. It was far, far overdue, let me tell you! I get pretty yucky headaches--- haven't had one since before I was pregnant with Kailee.... thank God for pregnancy hormones!

It is now 11:46pm on Saturday night and I can't go to sleep. When  lay down, all I think about is that night in the hospital again. Weird how I was so worried about Christmas---- thinking it would be worse than any other day--- turns out that I'm just as sad no matter what day it is.

We finished painting the trim on Kailee's room this weekend. It's so beautiful! When I start to freak out, just walking in her room calms me down. We need to put up the cute little wallpaper border. Baby furniture is ordered and should be here in the next month or so. It feels good to be doing this for her. I can feel her presence around me. On Christmas day, I was taking a shower and looked up to see a ladybug on the windowsill. It made me smile.

Brent and I read a chapter in one of our grief books this week. It talked about how a person needs to take time to take care of themselves while grieving. It struck home because we have been feeling selfish for taking this time. I guess this is an important time to be selfish.. There were examples in the book of people who didn't take this time and it their healing was just put off for months or years.

 

It's been 7 weeks, 2 days, 22 hours and 10 minutes since we lost our child. We are having a hard time moving on, but the world continues as always. How strange it is to watch people go shopping for Christmas or laugh in a group of people. These are things that are just normal, everyday activities, but they seem so strange and out of place. When I'm walking through a store, I feel like I'm screaming in my head for people to ask me how many children I have. At the same time, I'm terrified someone will ask me how many children I have. It's such a weird reaction. On one hand I'm terrified people will forget Kailee and on the other hand, I'm terrified people will ask about her.

It's hard to understand other people's grief. I know at least one person celebrating Christmas for the first time without their husband this year because he died. Today Brent and I were driving and saw her in her car. It wasn't until we saw the sad look on her face (almost a reflection of how I feel) that I realized that there are so many other people out there just trying to put one foot in front of the other everyday.

I have gotten to know several other mommies who have lost their babies this year on the same day they were born. We are able to really connect and understand how the others are feeling. I would recommend that to anyone grieving. Get yourself connected to people experiencing the same tragedy as you--- it helps.

I am surprised how many people just think that we're "okay." Brent and I cope so well in public--- we have to, or people might put us in the looney bin! I know at home, at least for me, the hardest time is in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or "down time" in the afternoon when thoughts of that day creep into my mind. There was one day this week where I cried so hard, screaming to God that I wanted my little girl back. I was sobbing and coughing and so incredibly angry. I ran out of energy and couldn't cry anymore, but I still hadn't finished getting out what I needed. It will take a very long time to cry all the tears I need to for my baby girl. I'm telling everyone to not expect me to get back to "normal" for AT LEAST one year if not longer. This next year will be a year of "firsts." Kailee would have been..________ right now...... This would have been her first Christmas, New Year's, her due date.....etc. All of these holidays bring up reminders of what we don't have.

There are so many people confused about why we're choosing not to celebrate Christmas this year. Honestly, we choose not to because we don't feel like it. It feels like a sham to pretend to be happy on a day that's just breaking our hearts all over again. On Christmas Day, if I want to scream to God and cry and hit things, I want to be able to do that on my own turf where I won't scare anyone. (Brent doesn't count!) Grief is messy, it's scary, it's hard, it sucks. It gives me mood swings, it makes me not think about other people, it makes me feel so alone.

As hard as it is to get through, I know I must. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that it won't feel this way forever. I can already see progress. I can go into public without bawling like a baby. I can look at little babies and smile. (Pregnant women still make me angry, but that will change, I'm sure).

My husband called me after a doctor's appt this week. He met a nurse who has been following Kailee's story. Someone came up to him and asked "Are you Kailee's dad?" How AMAZING must that feel? Someone you've never met before asking about your daughter who never took a breath in her whole life? Kailee has helped so many people. I am so privileged to be able to call her my baby girl.

I had my second dream about Kailee two nights ago. It was very odd--- An aquaintance from my high school died of cancer one week before Kailee was born. In my dream, he was standing in a shopping mall. I went to him and told him how sorry I was that he had died and how much everyone must be missing him. I asked him to give my baby girl a big hug from me when he got to heaven. He told me "Look for yourself." A large circle opened up and I could see Kailee laughing and playing with some kind of animal--- a horsie or something like that. She was beautiful and happy and a sort of peace overcame me in that moment. I went to go home, and on my way home, I realized that my husband was dead. Sobbing tears and feelings of hopelessness and despair washed over me instantly. I grieved at that moment for my baby, for my husband, and for all the future children we wouldn't be able to have together. I woke up in COMPLETE panic. I reached over to make sure Brent was beside me in bed and told him about my dream.

It's interesting looking at that dream in the daylight. I loved seeing my baby happy and playing. It gave me such peace. It also opened up fears of something happening to Brent.

For those of you that don't know me very well, we've had an incredibly tough year. It's the toughest year I've ever lived through.

January 2009: We found out our first baby in our very first pregnancy didn't have a heartbeat. I had to have a D&C. We also sold a house this month and made an offer on a new house. One of my friends had cancer recur for the 3rd time.

February 2009: We spent this month packing after our offer on the new house was accepted. My friend's cancer got worse. My job requirements changed this month and I worked between 3 schools in 2 counties.

March 2009: We moved and unpacked this month. This was also the month we found out that one of our kittens had terminal feline leukemia. We were told at the end of March that she had 14 days to live at the most. Still working between 2 counties. Our  bunny got sick this month and died.

April 2009: This is the month I got pregnant with Kailee. Still taking care of a sick kitten. Still worrying about a friend with cancer. Still working between 2 counties.

May 2009: Friend with cancer died at age 29. We found out we were pregnant. Continuing to take care of our sick cat. Still working between 2 counties.

June 2009: Pregnant--- tired and sick most of the month. Still trying to take care of sick kitten.

July 2009: Feeling better in pregnancy, found out baby had a heartbeat and completed the first trimester. Kitten got incredibly sick and we had to put her down at the end of the month.

August 2009: Began school year at my job. Found out that our 2nd kitten also had terminal feline leukemia-- she had a tumor on her spine.

September 2009: Taking care of sick kitty. Working at a job that is demanding more and more. Found out our baby will die shortly after birth.

October 2009: Trying to deal with the fact that our baby will die. Still caring for a sick kitten. Kailee was born this month.

November 2009: Planning the funeral of our daughter. Our kitty died this month on the 11th.

I write these things down more for me than for you. I write them down so I can tell my body why I feel so run down all the time. I can look at this list and realize that we've dealt with death at least 5 times this year--- 2 humans and 3 animals that we loved like our babies. I think it's normal for me to worry about what's going to happen next. Every month we've had something happen. I've slowly watched animals and people who I love slip away. It's normal that a fear of losing my husband would surface at this time. It's part of the grief process.

Today was a good day. I am beginning to venture out into the world. I went to visit my husband for lunch and then to see a friend who just had a baby 3 weeks ago. I must admit that I was very worried how I would react to a baby. I was so amazed at how big he was! He is a normal sized newborn, but I am so used to thinking of Kailee in terms of a 3 pound baby! I did good- no crying until near the end of the visit when I decided to say hello to baby. I knew I couldn't hold him. Too many memories of Kailee were flooding my mind everytime I looked at him and I didn't want my friends to know what a mess I am!

The important thing is that I did it. I went out and spent time with friends and...... guess what........ it was actually fun. Shhhh... don't tell anyone. :-) I'm so used to being insanely sad all the time that it felt good to be happy about a newborn. It was good, too, that I actually WANTED to hold him. I was afraid that feeling wouldn't ever come back, but it did.

I am so apprehensive about Christmas. Christmas scares me. When I even think about the actual holiday, tears fill my eyes. This Christmas we were supposed to have a baby. Our first baby would have been born at the beginning of August if I hadn't miscarried and I still would have been pregnant with Kailee if things were normal. We would have been getting last minute gifts for her for Christmas and preparing her room. I think that's why Christmas strikes fear in my heart when I think about it.

I've been thinking a lot about grief lately-- for obvious reasons. It's crazy how one day I can be fine and then the next I just break down. Today is one of those breakdown days. There's not really anything that triggered it, I just feel incredibly sad and empty today. It started this morning while I was getting ready for church. I saw a little outfit for Kailee that was still laid out on our dining room table. My first thought was "It's not fair that she won't ever wear that little outfit!" Then came the anger and then the tears. Why did it hit me this morning? That outfit has been in that same spot for the last 6 weeks and I have never reacted like that before.

Someone compared grief to the ocean tide. Some days the water comes up higher than the day before. Dealing with grief doesn't mean I will get better everyday that passes. It's more of a one step forward, three steps back kind of thing for me. It's frustrating because I expect myself to just "get over it" sometimes. I was thinking this afternoon about that. I will NEVER "get over" losing Kailee. It will be with me for the rest of my life. I imagine that it will hurt for the rest of my life, too, though not as much as more time passes. A part of my heart is in heaven, and I will never get it back.