I've been back to work for over a week now. It's not been too bad. I love being surrounded by people who know about Kailee.

I was putting my office together and decided to bring in a picture of Colson for my desk. But what about Kailee? She's mine too. What would people think of the counselor who has a picture of a dead baby on her desk? All these thoughts run through my mind about the simple concept of a picture on my desk. It shouldn't be this difficult!

Another aspect of having her picture on my desk is that people will ask about my kids.... you know, the usual. How old?... blah, blah, blah..... So that opens the door of "Yeah, that's a picture of my dead baby. Feel sorry for me for a minute and then feel mortified because you don't know what the heck to say. Let me end this by taking care of you and telling you it's okay that my baby died." I can see this happening over and over through the day and it's not really something that I want to go through. It's nobody's fault that the conversation goes like that.... It is what it is. Bringing up dead babies is like going to church naked. It's just plain uncomfortable for everyone involved.

So back to my conundrum..... I essentially made the decision to just put Cole's picture on my desk. So why the long post? Because I. FEEL. GUILTY. I feel like I'm saying Kailee isn't important enough to have earned the beloved spot on my desk where I can see her beautiful face every day. Only Colson looks back at me. I see his smiling face and every time I look at that sweet little face, it reminds me of the other little face that SHOULD be right beside Cole's smiling back at me.

As long as I'm in this crappy, feel sorry for me mood, I might as well talk about Fall. I love autumn. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the colors. I love pumpkins and bonfires and the crisp, coolness in the air. I look forward to fall every year. I got married in the fall because it is my favorite time of year. I still love fall, but there's a feeling in my stomach now when I think about it. I re-live the events  of Fall 2009. A lady at work is due with her baby on September 15th. It BLOWS. MY. MIND. that someone has been looking forward to that day for 40 weeks. If I had a say in the matter we would have September 13, September 14th and then September 16th. Get rid of that dreaded day! It's the day we found out Kailee was going to die. The closer we get to the day, the more I feel sad. It's crazy that something I love so much is such a trigger for me. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

We had a training at work yesterday. We were supposed to bring in "things that inspire us" so we could make a big, fancy art project. I brought in a picture of Brent and Colson together. I also brought a picture of Kailee. No one asked about her or commented on it. It didn't make me sad. I've decided that I am going to just reduce my general expectations when it comes to pregnancy loss. I wonder, sometimes, if I've put myself into this little box of being a "grieving mother." It used to be how I defined myself. That has since turned into "grieving mother and mother to Colson." They are both equally important, but I have to say that grieving is harder for me than being Colson's mother.

There are days when I am just plain exhausted and at the end of my rope. Then Cole laughs and it makes everything better. I love laughing with my son. Sometimes I feel like I'm making up for 18 months of not laughing. His laugh is infectious. We must have done something right, because he is such a happy baby. I must say that I'm happy God chose me to be his momma.

Today has just been bad. I'm not sure what the trigger was... or even if there is one. I've been crying most of the morning. Colson thinks I'm laughing when I'm crying, so he "laughs" with me. It is so strange to be completely sad and completely happy all in the same moment.

God knew what he was doing when he made it so Kailee would be my firstborn. I was ignorant to what it felt like to bring home a baby from the hospital. I was ignorant what it felt like to be so exhausted. I was ignorant about all the milestones and timing of everything. I just saw Kailee as a tiny little baby. I never thought-- at 6 months--- that she "should" be sitting up by this point in her development. I didn't know that. I was spared that pain and I am greatful for it.

Watching Colson grow gives me a unique perspective. I'm learning right along with him. Most of the time that makes me happy, but I do get sad about it too. Today is one of those days.

I got to talk about Kailee today! I love days I get to talk about her! We have new neighbors. I went over to meet them tonight and she asked the dreaded question. "Is he your first?" I told them about Kailee. Guess what? She's a baby loss mom too! We got to talk about our little angel's. I love that.

I'm feeling sad today. I'm not sure whether or not there was a trigger for it, but I just feel like we're missing something. I find myself looking at our pictures on the wall a lot. There are Kailee's NILMDTS pictures and pictures of Colson. With Colson, he's smiling and growing and changing. With Kailee, they are the same pictures over and over. no growing. No changing. Just the same pictures. Every day.

I am really lucky to have been able to find a network of other mommies who lost their babies. I continue to be amazed at being a part of this "family." I call us a family because I feel like I know them even though we've never met. We're called BLM's. (baby loss mom's)

The day we found out Kailee's diagnosis, I went online. I found another BLM who I have become very good friends with. She had found out a few weeks before that her son wouldn't make it. She was due 1 month before me. She taught me and helped walk me through and process feelings those first few weeks. After I had Kailee, she was still pregnant. I felt like I was able to return the favor and "help" walk her through it. SInce then, we've been texting and phone call fools!

It's been amazing to know her at her darkest time and to also see her with her rainbow baby girl! We were lucky enough to be pregnant at the same time (3 months apart this time). It was fun to share our positive pregnancy results and all the other "fun" aspects of pregnancy, but it was amazing to be able to talk about the anxiety and paralyzing fear without being judged or written off.

We may have never "met", but I love her like a sister and feel like an auntie to her son and daughter! <3

Today we attended at Butterfly release at Alive Hospice. My parents purchased a monarch butterfly in memory of Kailee. We were able to go and watch the butterflies be released. It was a very pretty sight! On the way home, we had a hitch-hiker! A butterfly latched onto my mom's purse. It wanted to come home with us! We put it on Kailee's tree in our yard and it stayed there for awhile.

It was pretty cool to be able to witness that. Our hospice workers weren't able to make it. That was a little disappointing to me because I really wanted them to meet Colson, but we are going to plan a trip to meet them in Nashville soon.

Colson is growing like a weed! We weighed him tonight and he's 21.5 pounds! YIKES! He has outgrown his baby carseat and moved onto a big boy carseat. One of his favorite things to do is to "swim"! We put him in the garden tub with me and he kicks and splashed and laughs so much. It's incredibly sweet. He doesn't even mind water getting into his eyes!

Colson is 5 months old today. I can hardly believe how quickly time is going by. After Kailee died, time seemed to drag on and on. Colson is keeping us very busy, that's for sure. He is rolling over and laughing. His laugh makes me smile. I can't help myself. It's uninhibited joy.

I have to say how strange it feels to laugh. I hadn't realized how much I was sad until I was happy again. Don't get me wrong, I still have a deep hole in my heart, but Colson is acting as a great distraction.

I've survived going back to work. It wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Saying goodbye to Colson is hard, but not as hard as saying goodbye to Kailee. With Colson, I know I will see him again in a few hours.

I still find myself wondering a lot what Kailee would have been like. I don't know how to stop doing that. I see a child that would have been around her age and I just imagine. Would she wear pigtails? What would her laugh sound like?

Mother's Day.... a day I've dreaded every year for the last 3 years. I was surprised by my reaction this year. I actually looked forward to it, but when the day finally got here, I felt this huge hole in my heart. I love that Colson was here with me, but our family is not complete. Kailee was missing. Brent was great and got a special card from Kailee. I love him for that. But the fact of the matter is that my little girl wasn't able to be here with me to celebrate this day. Needless to say, my mood wasn't the greatest yesterday. I'm going to have to work to make sure that isn't the case for future mother's day celebrations.

Leading up to Mother's Day was interesting. I can't tell you how many people wished me a "Happy First Mother's Day." SERIOUSLY? I feel like I spend my life reminding people that Kailee was here and she was my daughter. Why do I have to keep doing that? Seriously? Why do I have to remind people that I have been through labor and delivery of another child besides Colson?

I was so lucky to be able to have my mother still with me this Mother's Day. I know there are so many people out there in this world whose mother's have died. Does that mean those people don't have a mother? Of course not! Just because someone died doesn't mean that relationship never existed. I saw so many people mourning over the loss of their mother's yesterday in Facebook posts. It seems to me that the mother's who have lost babies on Mother's Day can sometimes get overlooked. That makes me sad.

I'm not really sure what point I'm aiming to make in this post or where I want to end up, but I felt the need to just vent and get it out. The truth about yesterday? I love that I have my son with me, but I missed my daughter so much.

Today was the dreaded first day back to work. I surprised myself with very few tears. I got up, got ready and kissed my son goodbye. I got into my car and thought I would lose it. I didn't. It surprised me. I thought about this through the day. It actually bothered me that I didn't sob because I was leaving him. After thinking about it, I realized that I could leave Colson because I knew I would be seeing him again. I think my perspective changed when we lost Kailee. When I said goodbye to her, it was so final. When I said goodbye to Colson this morning, I knew I would be back in a few hours and that made me happy. Perspective..... It's all about perspective.