I have been terrible about blogging while pregnant this time. I hope I don't regret it and I'm going to try and blog weekly from here on out.

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. SHOCKING. We were able to go to the doctor on Feb 24th. I was supposed to be almost 10 weeks at that point. I had an ultrasound and she took all the measurements and said that the baby was measuring so far ahead that we would be changing my due date by a week. I guess I did blog about that in my previous post. I'm still dumbfounded. When people ask, I can't bring myself to say September 15. I just say that I'm due in September.

The days leading up to the ultrasound were hard. My morning sickness had started to taper off and I was preparing myself for bad news. I had actually planned to wait until Spring Break at school to try and schedule a D&C if I had to.... that's how "prepared" I was to hear bad news. When she put the ultrasound wand on my stomach, the first thing I saw was the fluttering of a little heartbeat. It made me smile.

Week 12 has been interesting. We've announced to everyone that I'm expecting. It's still odd hearing people congratulate us. My first reaction is "we'll see what happens." A terrible reaction, I know, but it is my reality. I try not to say it out loud. I try just to sit back and say thank you as I tell the little voice in my head to shut up.

I'm starting to feel better. I'm still having food aversions. More specifically, meat. I hate the sight of meat. I hate the smell of meat. Yuck. Brent cooks bacon in the morning and the smell alone makes me want to vomit. Thankfully he has begun to wait until I leave for work to cook his breakfast. One of the many reasons he's so awesome. :-) I've also started feeling the aches and pains of pregnancy. I feel stretching this week and Brent said that he noticed my belly pooching out a bit more than usual yesterday. :-) I've also begun the multiple bathroom trips overnight. (I hate this part) Last night was 3 times. :-(

Overall, I feel good. My next appointment is in April. We don't have my 20 week ultrasound scheduled yet, but I'm hoping she will let us take a peek to see if there's amniotic fluid at our next appointment. Even though the chances are very, very small, I still worry.

Awhile back I made a post about a woman who was expecting her baby on September 15th. I wrote about how dumbfounded I was that someone would look forward to that day. September 15th means despair, sadness and loss to me. It was the day we found out Kailee was going to die. I hate September 15th more than any other day- even her birthday. At least I got to hold her in my arms on her birthday.

This baby is due September 15th. My due date was changed at our ultrasound today because I was measuring so far ahead already. How crazy is that? So now I will be 11 weeks tomorrow instead of just 10 weeks. That's good news, at least! God really does have a sense of humor.

I've been quiet. It always means trouble when I've gotten quiet....... In a shocking turn of events, I'm pregnant again. Lucky number 6? Who knows. Currently I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant and the crazy has begun to creep in. I was fine until I passed the 6 week mark. Now I'm attached to this baby. I'm worried about this baby. I want this baby. I've pictured Colson being a big brother. I've pictured and begun to plan for a maternity leave in September. I have an incredibly strong sense that this will be my little girl. This pregnancy reminds me of my pregnancy with Kailee. That, in itself, has also been a huge grief trigger.

While I've been doing this, there has been a lot of loss going on around me. Good friends have lost pregnancies; acquaintances have lost pregnancies. God recently connected me with a woman who has lost her little girl. I feel for her so much and know there's nothing I can do to make it better. I live in a world where babies die. There's no explanation sometimes and no warning, but babies do die.

I am trying to cope in the best way I can. Sometimes that means loving that I feel sick to my stomach 24/7 right now and sometimes it means that I just take a moment, close my eyes and remind myself that-- no matter how much I want to be in control, I'm not. Control is just an illusion. Given the choice, I'd rather God be in control, obviously, but sometimes I wish He would let me see the end result.

Don't get too excited..... This post is not a post that's going to be any fun to write... I found out a week ago today that I was pregnant again. I was surprised! We weren't really trying and I was really excited that it had happened so easy. It actually crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I was going to be able to easily fly through getting pregnant and being pregnant with no problems at all. I had hope, but I was still cautious.

I'm glad I was cautious. I began miscarrying on Friday. I had already contacted the doctor to begin supplements during the first trimester. They had wanted to schedule my very first appointment and ultrasound, but I refused. I told them that I would call back around 6 weeks to schedule because it's just too hard to cancel those appointments after something happens. It also creates another "trigger" day. A day where you think "I SHOULD be getting my first ultrasound right now.... I SHOULD be excited about getting my first glimpse at my child." No thank you. I'll wait until the last minute to schedule from here on out.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this all weekend. Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I both? I guess the truth is, I don't really know how I feel. I hate to say this, but if I'm going to have a failed pregnancy, I would rather it be earlier than later. On that point, I'm glad it ended sooner. However, that said, this has hit me hard because it's yet another loss. I've seen a positive pregnancy test 5 times.... I've had one live child, one stillborn child and 3 miscarriages. It's no wonder I look at pregnancy tests with such skepticism. Almost like it's mocking me. I never believe the tests.... I always see that positve result and think "We'll see.... we'll see if you're still positive in a week or two." Why is that? Why can't I be blindly ignorant and see those 2 lines and begin planning baby names and baby room themes and ignorantly tell everyone I know that I'm pregnant. Instead, I keep it a secret.... waiting everyday for the ball to drop. And when it does, no one knows. No one knew I was pregnant this time. I had to call close family and friends to let them know because I didn't want them finding out if they read this post.

So, here I am again. I'm not hopeless. Don't get me wrong. I'm a stubborn cuss of a woman. This may knock me down, but I refuse to let it keep me down. If I hadn't of kept fighting so hard, we wouldn't have Colson right now, and I can't imagine life without him. I do have to say, as much as it sucks to lose a pregnancy, having a live child to hug on and kiss on while it's happening makes it a little more bearable.

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since we met Kailee. Somedays it seems like longer than that and somedays it seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye.

I survived her 2nd birthday. Thank goodness. The day was really nice. It was sad, but it was also a day of celebration. I loved lighting the paper lanterns and watching them fly out into the night sky. They were so beautiful. I also enjoyed having trick or treaters over and watching Cole respond to all the different costumes. He loved it! I hope he always feels like his sister's birthday is special

I have to say that I am incredibly thankful that September 15th through October 31st is over for this year. It's such an emotional time. Remembering what happened. Reliving it. I feel more "normal" now that it's passed if that makes any sense. We're getting back to our new normal. This year we will celebrate Christmas for the first time in 2 years. (2009 we chose not to and 2010 we were in the hospital with Cole!)

I remember Christmas morning 2009. I sat in my recliner like a bump on a log feeling waves and waves of grief wash over me. I kept wondering when it was going to end. I was praying to God and wondering if we would be holding our take home baby for Christmas 2010. I sometimes wish that God would let me go back in time and tell myself that everything was going to be okay with Colson. It's amazing to think that such a terrible day in 2009 was such a joyous one in 2010. Christmas this year will be especially exciting with our little toddler running around!

I read a quote on Facebook this week that I really liked, I'm not sure who wrote it, as it's not cited, but I have fallen in love with it.

"Sometimes God calms the storm..... sometimes He lets the storm rage and he calms His child."

So true....

Today is the day. It's 2:17am on my little girl's birthday. This day is so emotional for me. It's been so heavy on my heart this year. Watching Colson grow and learn while still grieving Kailee in my heart is hard work! I have to say, we have had the best weekend so far. We spent Saturday together as a family. We attended Halloween parties where we were able to dress Colson up and just enjoy watching him experience this bittersweet holiday. On Saturday night, we got home and Colson wanted to play with his pumpkin. I put him and his little plastic pumpkin full of candy on the floor. He squealed with delight as he kicked and slapped at all the candy around. It was a good moment. It was a happy moment. It was a moment tears were also running down my face because I was imagining what could have been. I'm not saying this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I'm saying it because I want every momma that has experienced loss to know that it's okay to feel complete and total happiness but to also feel sadness in that same moment. Yesterday we spent the day having fun again. We picked out pumpkins and just enjoyed the day.

It's 2:23am right now. I woke up about 30 minutes ago to the sound of my son snoring in his crib. I layed there for a few minutes thinking about how it is such a simple pleasure to listen to him breathe--- something we never heard Kailee do. There is nothing like listening to a baby's soft breathing pattern. It's nice to experience the quiet of the morning to think about Kailee on my own with no distractions. I hope I'll be able to get back to sleep.

Today we are planning on having a fun day. I've taken the day off of work. (I wouldn't really be much help to anyone today,) I'm staying home with my son. He will receive extra hugs and kisses today. He will receive extra "I love you's" from mommy. Yeah, I'm pretty much going to smother him today. :-) We are going to pick out some new flowers for Kailee. We will also carve pumpkins today--- something we haven't done for the last 2 years. I want to watch my son experience this holiday. I want to watch him smile and laugh. Tonight we will take him trick or treating and we will also be lighting paper lanterns for Kailee at dusk. Before bed, we will pick out a book from Kailee's library to read. I can't tell you how much that library means to me. Reading Colson the handwritten notes from the front has been priceless.

Please keep us in your heart today. I know the world moves on. I understand, but today is a day we will celebrate the life of our daughter. She lived in my belly 27 weeks and 6 days. I felt her little kicks same as I felt Colson kicking me. As sad as I am, I am also very blessed that God chose me to be Kailee's mother.

I hate nights that I can't sleep. Tonight is one of them. I've been up since around 3am--- it is now 4am and I'm wide awake. Most of my thoughts this time of day are consumed by Kailee. It's quiet in the house and I don't have much else to worry about, so I allow myself the luxury of just sitting here and thinking about her. Her 2nd birthday is approaching fast. It's crazy to think that we could have a 2 year old toddler running around our house. It's crazy to look back on my life 2 years ago. It almost feels like it happened to someone else.

I can't tell you how often I think about Kailee. I wonder-- when people look at me--- if they think about her too. She is such a big part of who I am.

Music has been such a healer for me with everything I've been through with Kailee. I wanted to share a few songs that have really meant a lot to me.

The first song came to us via a DVD we received from a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It's a network of volunteer photographers that donate their time and talents to photograph babies who have a terminal diagnosis. www.nilmdts.org We have 57 photographs of Kailee that are absolutely priceless provided to us by this organization via our local photographer, Amy Rich. I have to say-- I've only listened to this song a few times. It breaks me down everytime I hear it, but it reminds me of Kailee.

The second song is "I Will Carry You" by Selah. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to this song. It's written by woman who learned her daughter, Audrey Caroline, was going to die shortly after birth. Sound familiar? She chose to carry Audrey full term and the lyrics really, really strike a chord with me.

The third one is "Held" by Natalie Grant... this is my new favorite most listened to song lately. It really strikes a chord with me and I love it. I've woken up multiple times in the middle of the night with these lyrics going through my head.

The fourth song was played at Kailee's funeral. I was driving to work one morning a few weeks after we had learned her diagnosis. I was praying for comfort and this song came on the radio. "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. All the words were very powerful, but I found power in the 2nd verse. "It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, It's just a reason for someone not to try." I felt like everyone was telling me that it would be impossible for Kailee to live. I chose to believe in the impossible and I truly felt God was speaking to me in that moment giving me hope that everything was going to be okay.

The final song I wanted to share tonight is by Jars of Clay. It's called "The Valley Song." The first time I heard this song was in May 2009 at the funeral of a very dear friend. Not many people know this, but had Kailee been a boy, she would have carried the name Brandon after my very dear friend who lost his battle with cancer at the age of 29. Brandon was an incredible Christian and witnessed even during the very lowest valley's of his life. He was a great example and I would be lucky to have my child carry his name. This song signified hope to me.

I think people are afraid to bring her up. That's what I've decided. I think people believe that, if they bring up her name, it will remind me that I have a dead child. The stupid part about it is that I always remember that I have a dead child. Bringing it up is not "reminding me". Bringing her up helps me to heal. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

I had my first panic attack yesterday. I was sitting in CPR training at work. no big deal, right? They show a video during this training. In one of the vignettes, they showed a woman going to her child's crib. The child isn't breathing. TRIGGER. It was a serious trigger for me. Let me try to describe what happened to me. I saw the blue baby on tv and it was like I was instantly transported back to the night Kailee was born. I saw flashes of that night. I was holding her. Looking at her blue head, her blue fingers. her blue toes. As this was happening, my breathing must have changed because I couldn't get my breath. I tried to close my eyes and calm myself down in that moment, but I couldn't. At this point, the CPR instructor wanted us to begin CPR chest compressions on our "fake" babies. As I watched others in the room doing their "rescue breathing", the room started to close in on me. It was like the room was actually getting smaller and smaller. I felt completely out of control and I had started to cry. I left the room as quickly as I could and found a bathroom.

It took me over an hour to calm down. Thankfully, a friend (and fellow counselor) talked with me until I was finally able to feel like I had some sort of control.

I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I now know that it's a trigger for me and I will avoid videos with fake dead babies in them.