I can't believe it's been 5 months. Sometimes the last 5 months feels like 5 years; sometimes it feels like 5 days....

I have been feeling better. Today has been difficult for me to get through. Thankfully we do not have to endure the 31st of the month EVERY month--- just 7 times..... When they do come, they are emotionally charged. I think about Kailee all day. Today i have thought about what she might be doing if she were 5 months old. I think about how she might look, how our lives would be so completely different. I wonder if I would love her more if I got to see her everyday. There's a strange thought.

I've been trying to keep myself busy and cry when I need to. It seems to have worked well for me. I came across a miscarriage do's and don'ts list today and thought it was appropriate. I gave it it's own page, so feel free to look and copy as you need to.

I have never been as thankful for good days as I've been this week. I've continued to do well-- I've had my breakdown, of course, but they are less intense this week and farther apart. I'm seeing TONS of ladybugs all over the place. Everytime I see one, I feel like Kailee is telling me hello.

We got Kailee's changing table and crib this week. They are both put together and in her room. Pictures are hung. We are still waiting on her dresser. I still want to get a matching bookshelf to put all the books we received during the funeral and afterwards. It's so beautiful in there. I can't even begin to describe how peaceful that I feel just sitting in there. We also bought diapers..... I know what you're thinking---- have I lost my mind????? I actually haven't. We decided back in July to use gdiapers with our kids. At the time, they were out of the cloth inserts. We kept checking on and off, but it took FOREVER to get them back in stock. Well, Sunday, the medium size was there, so I ordered them! They came the same day we got her crib. I've got them folded in her changing table. It feels good preparing for a baby. I know Kailee won't ever use them, but I have so much hope for a baby in the future.

Hope-- it's a funny thing. After the miscarriage, I lost hope that we would ever bring home a baby. It was gone. Completely gone. I've NEVER lost hope for ANYTHING in my life before. It was a very lonely, sad feeling. It's come back--- mostly because of my stubborness. God graced me with a stubborn streak so much that I REFUSE to give up. I'm in this for the long haul....We WILL bring home our baby.

This week has been pretty good. Yep, I said it... pretty good. I don't know what's going on. Maybe a change in the weather or something, but I have had 3 good days in a row where I'm smiling and getting along. Thank God! I am SOOOOOOOO tired of being in a funk. I'm sure it will come back.... grief is like the tide, you know, but it's nice to be able to just enjoy a few good days.

My hormones last week from the pregnancy mixed with grief made me almost unpredictable. I could cry at the drop of a hat! Not even I knew what to expect. My poor coworkers and friends! Sorry, guys.

I'm excited about this spring. I'm excited about spring break. I'm excited about finishing the school year and moving onto summer break.

We picked up Kailee's changing table today from the store. the crib didn't fit into the car, so we have to go back to pick it up later. When we couldn't bring the crib, I had to make myself not cry. Not sure why, Brent will pick it up on Tuesday anyway, but it was still very sad to me. I am very excited about putting Kailee's room together and finishing what we started.

I am so tired. Seriously.... It's been 6 months and 2 days since we found out Kailee's diagnosis and each day has been spent grieving. Grieving is exhausting mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I've been tested a lot lately. There have been a lot of babies and pregnant women around me. I've had to just suck it up numerous times and "act normal" when I'm actually screaming on the inside. I can see how people can get lost in sheer anger when they are grieving. I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy again. I don't know that I'll ever be carefree again, but happy will do me some good.

i have found such a wonderful support group at babycenter.com!!!! These ladies are wonderful and they know exactly what to say---- mostly because they've been through baby loss. I have found such great comfort in just venting with them. It's comforting to vent something that I think is just "crazy" and have them all say that they've been there and have felt that way, too. I love the internet... without it, I would feel even more alone.

Denial is such a wonderful thing! It actually, physically and emotionally protects us from things that are too emotional. Denial is nice because you KNOW you should be sad, but you aren't. You just keep trucking along. I have enjoyed my 9 days of denial from this miscarriage. It's now coming to an end, but I've enjoyed it while it has lasted.

This is DEFINITELY nowhere near as devastating as it was to lose Kailee. It's hard in a different way, though. It's hard because I want to be a mom so badly that I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. I actually, PHYSICALLY ACHE to hold Kailee. My body actually hurts, my arms actually yearn to just tuck her up underneath my chin and rock her. God ingrained a maternal instinct into me so much that I can't help but believe that I'm meant to be a mom of a baby I get to care for here on earth.

This week the crazy thoughts have started up. I worry a lot. I worry about not being able to bring home a baby. I worry about being pregnant again. I worry about whether or not I will be able to bond with any baby during any future pregnancy. I worry if there's something wrong with me. All that worry will really tire a girl out!

Bitterness is setting in. I hate that it is, but it's the truth. I HATE people who are bitter.... I guess that means I hate who I am right now. I also can feel myself losing hope. I never would have thought this would happen, but it is. Three pregnancies and no babies have been brought home. Brent has enough hope for the two of us, but I'm angry that my hope has been taken away like this! Pregnancy is supposed to be fun and full of hope.

Tonight's post really has no upside to it. I'm just not feeling "uppy" tonight.

This week has been rough.... very, very rough. We found out on Monday that I was pregnant again. So many feelings overcame me after finding out-- I was excited, scared and hopeful all at the same time. I called to schedule my first doctor visit and really just enjoyed the feeling of being pregnant again.

On Thursday night, I began to bleed. Friday we went to vanderbilt to be checked out at the request of our OB office. They told me that I am having an inevitable miscarriage. The ultrasound showed a baby sac, but my pregnancy hormone is almost back down to zero.

This third loss has hit me differently than all the rest. During the first miscarriage, I was devastated. I shut down for almost a week and was just so upset. After Kailee died--- same thing. For this one, I'm not sure if I'm still in shock, but I'm functioning normally. I did all my errands and finished household chores yesterday. I went to church today. I'm not sure what's different. This loss is much earlier than any other loss we have experienced. I have to go for a follow up this week with my OB to make sure everything resolved itself appropriately. For those of you praying, please pray specifically that I will not have to have any medical measures taken to complete this miscarriage.

So here we are. We are not making any formal announcement of what happened. We figured that, mostly, the people who are following this blog are the ones who keep up with us on a regular basis.

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Yesterday was one of those days! I got to work in the morning and realized that there were baby showers scheduled for that day. I tried to put it out of my mind, but THAT didn't work. I began crying. I couldn't stop myself. I got my stuff, got in my car and called my boss. The sobs were HEAVING by this time. Mostly I was upset because they were having a shower for a lady who got pregnant 8 weeks after me. (I love you Angela and I am so glad you're going to have a baby if you're reading!!!!) It was incredibly difficult for me to see her have a shower when I haven't had one yet! Oh yeah, I know my baby died. I am absolutely aware of that fact, but it seemed out of order. For some reason I felt like I should have had a baby shower first and it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized that everyone is moving on.

Have you ever had a day like that? I ended up crying almost 6 hours yesterday. Tears just streaming down my face until I actually gave myself a headache, took some medicine and then went to sleep. Today I feel a little better, but still incredibly sad. I find it amazing that--- even 4 months later--- I can just break down like that an not be able to function on a normal level........