We went for our appointment today. They told us when we got there that it was sometimes really hard to hear the heartbeat on the doppler at 12 weeks. This was disappointing to me, but we would deal with it. The nurses looked for what seemed like 20 minutes to me. Brent says it was more like 5. They couldn't find a heartbeat, so one of them went to find a doctor to see if the doctor could find it.

The doctor came in and--- as soon as he would find it--- our little stinker would move!!! He/she was hiding from us! The doctor asked one of the nurses to bring in the most ancient, portable ultrasound machine I have ever seen. As soon as the wand hit my belly, we saw the little heart flickering.

We also saw baby waving and kicking and flipping! It was amazing! He/she would not hold still for a second! It stole my heart away.

Even though the ultrasound machine was incredibly old, we were amazed at how clearly we could see the little baby. We never really were able to see all that much with Kailee because there was no amniotic fluid. We go back at the end of July and will talk with the doctor about scheduling the anatomy ultrasound.

Today is a good day.

I'm not sure what I want to write in this post, yet. I just know I want to write it. So please bear with me... bits and pieces of the two weeks after Kailee died have started to come back to me, and I want to write them down while I remember.

One of the most horrible things we had to endure was handing our daughter over to the nurses, packing our things and walking out of the hospital without her. Seriously, can you imagine? Can you imagine carrying a baby for 27 weeks, 6 days, going through the labor and delivery process... knowing your child died.... spending those few precious hours together and then handing her over to the hospital staff so you can leave? It was heartbreaking. More than heartbreaking.... there really are no words for what that felt like.

I remember the morning they took her like it was this morning. I remember packing up all our stuff and just sitting in that empty room waiting for them to tell us we could leave. I wasn't wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair... I actually walked out myself like nothing had happened. I was dressed in the clothes I had come in the day before and just walked to the car.

It was a traumatic moment, I have to say. One that I try not to let myself think about too long because it upsets me more than anyone will ever know. It doesn't matter whether your child is born alive or not... once you see your child, it is yours.... Forever.

When I hear about people who have had live, healthy babies, I am glad. I am glad they don't have to hand them back over to the hospital staff 10-11 hours after delivering them. I get jealous of people who get to spend more than 12 hours with their new babies, much less the ones that get to go home. I'm happy for them, but it just makes me that much sadder for myself.

I'm not trying to start my own pity party. I just want to describe for people what it feels like to go through all of that with no living child at the end. Nobody should ever have to experience that.

There is so much conflicting information out there about when the 2nd trimester "officially" begins. Let me start by saying the "Carrie 2nd trimester" is officially beginning today no matter what anyone else says! Tonight is my last night of supplements!!! Yay! 2 less pills to take each night!

This week has been pretty good. I've been less sick and had a little bit more energy. I've been able to eat and have been having some strange cravings. I could eat a mashed potato sandwich for every meal!!!! With that said, when I woke up this morning, I felt like a truck had hit me. I'm exhausted this morning and my stomach is a little upset. Oh well...

4 days left until we get to hear Chicken Mini's heartbeat at the doctor's office. I'm counting down the days!

I was trolling through other people's blogs and I found this quote. I wanted to post it because it adequately describes the feelings I have had since losing Kailee...

A man who has lost his wife is called a widower
A child without parents is called an orphan.
But what of a woman whose only child has passed?
What am I to be called?

I DO NOT remember being this hormonal with Kailee. Oy... poor people who have to be around me. I know I'm acting crazy, but just don't point it out-- it makes me crazier!

11 weeks. Thankfully the nausea is pretty much gone-- it still comes and goes, but it's not nearly as severe as it was in weeks 7, 8, and 9. One really good thing that happened this week is that I felt the baby moving. I know, I know... everyone says it's too early and it's just gas...... it is not gas, it's the baby. I have felt it 3 different times--- mostly when I'm sitting really still and being quiet. It's very slight and just feels like flutters right now. I hope they get stronger and more regular so that they can give me some comfort.

We have our doctor appointment scheduled--- finally. They couldn't get us in to see the doctor until the 3rd week in July... (I was supposed to be seen the first week of July). I told the scheduler about my losses and that I was freaked out, so they are going to let me go in at the end of June for an appointment with the nurse to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. Thank goodness for that scheduler! She told me she had also had a stillborn baby. I told her I felt like I was being one of those "crazy moms" and do you know what her response was? She said "You've earned it." I guess I have.

I have been thinking a lot about Kailee today. Thinking about the day she was born, thinking about this time last year when I was scared and hopeful. We had a lot that we went through last year between the deaths of 3 of our animals, the death of a friend, selling and buying houses and the death of Kailee. I remember in the midst of our kitty, Nessa's, fight with feline leukemia I asked Brent "Do you think God is trying to prepare us for a sick baby?"

Now where did that question come from? I wonder if a mother truly knows when something is wrong with her child. Why else would I say that? Why else would it even come up? I think God was shaping us to be able to better deal with this tragedy. I know it sounds silly, but Nessa was our baby. She was our little kitty who got stuck in the birth canal and must have had oxygen deprivation of some sort because she was so sweet and innocent and-- I believe--- she was was mentally retarded.

So anyway, those are my random thoughts for the day.

Double digits! This is good news... thank God. This week has been difficult, too. The morning sickness seems to be letting up a little bit, thank God. Along with that, the worry sets in, too.... the less symptoms I have, the more I worry.

I've been doing my hardest to focus on positive things-- in this blog, too. But, truth be told, I'm terrified most of the time. Losing so many babies has really taken a toll on me. Even though I'm 10 weeks along, I still don't see a baby at the end of this journey. I'm hopeful for good news, but I truly EXPECT to receive bad news.

One thing on my mind this week is a baby shower. I'm totally freaked out about having a baby shower. Sounds odd, right? Since we've lost Kailee, I've connected myself with other mother's who have lost babies. The good thing about doing this is that it helps me to see that I'm not walking the journey alone. The bad thing about this is that I'm connecting with people who lost their babies in many different ways at many different points in their journey. I know that --- even if I do pass the 20 week ultrasound with Chikin mini--- having a live, healthy baby at the end is never guaranteed.

I'm sharing this with you--- not so you can try to find words of comfort--- but I really do want to make this a true representation of how I feel being pregnant after loss. It's not all rainbows and smiles...... it's mostly fear of the unknown and MAKING yourself put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking.

The idea of having a baby shower means that you EXPECT to bring home a live baby at the end. The problem with this is that I've been pregnant 3 times and it has never ended in a LIVE baby, so my mind and body just expect what's happened in the past to happen again. It scares me to think of having a baby shower and then having the baby be stillborn--- seriously, do you give the gifts back like if it were a failed marriage????

I've considered scheduling a shower after the baby is born. I could easily use the excuse of not wanting to have a shower around Thanksgiving/ Christmas time. BUT--- let's say I DO get to bring home a baby. The LAST thing I want to do is expose a baby to a lot of people in the month on January when flu and RSV is rampant.

I posted on my babycenter board, and those women had amazing insight into how i was feeling. My hope is that I start to feel better about this the further along we get in this pregnancy. My hope is that --- with each passing week, the anxiety and fears gets smaller and smaller so the hope and excitement can start to build.

This baby has taken up residence.... I feel sick all the time--- morning, noon, night.... even when I get up to go the to bathroom at 2am, 3am, 4am...etc. Even though I feel like crap most of the time, I can't help but smile. I've heard the sicker you are, the healthier the baby. If that's true, then I think this baby might be able to cure cancer or something! :-)

I've made it to 9 weeks. I keep looking at statistics (now that I've seen the heartbeat, loss rate of less than 3%). They don't usually help much because Kailee was 1/40,000...... BUT making it to 9 weeks is a huge step.... 3 more weeks until the 2nd trimester! Come on June 25th!

I went to bed last night and couldn't stop staring at the pictures of Kailee. I thought about the night she was born and how soft she was. I never wanted to forget how soft she was. I fell asleep thinking of our little girl, and dreamt that I went into labor with Chikin Mini--- at the appropriate time! I have never had dreams of normal labor..... usually my dreams are someone killing the baby or the baby stopped growing...etc. Maybe my body is trying to tell me to calm down and just enjoy....

Such wonderful news! Our little baby's heartbeat is trucking along at 171 beats per minute. We have our very first little picture.... he or she looks like a little gummy bear. A big head and stumpy arms and legs! Sooo cute!

Our miscarriage rate has dropped to less than 3% now that we've seen the heartbeat. We talked with them this morning about doing the 20 week ultrasound around 18 weeks to check for fluid. They were fine with that.

I have been so sick the last few days. I am greatful that I now have some anti-nausea medicine! That will make me feel a little bit better, at least. I don't remember being this sick with Kailee, but Brent insists that I was! I guess it IS true.... after we have that baby, we forget all the bad stuff! :-)

Tomorrow is the big day. It's actually come pretty quickly. I'm surprised. I usually go into ultrasounds just so nervous and scared that something will be wrong. I'm not afraid for tomorrow, just anxious to get it over with, if that makes any sense. Now that I know what to expect, it doesn't seem so scary. I know there's supposed to be a heartbeat there--- if there's not then we will need to talk about another D&C or to just let me miscarry naturally. It's amazing that I can just think so "matter of factly" about all of this. If there is a heartbeat, it will be just as scary... the worry of whether or not the baby is growing correctly.... but mostly, the fear of whether or not I will have anmiotic fluid this go round. Either way, the entire thing is very scary. So, I'm anxious about tomorrow, but not nervous. Make sense?

Kailee would have been 7 months yesterday. I love that the 31st's of the month are spent with Brent. They are actually getting a little bit easier believe it or not. I used to replay that day through my head over and over.... I've made myself stop doing that. It only makes me crazy. I don't need anything else to make me crazy!!!! :-)

School is FINALLY out!!! I can sleep whenever I want without feeling guilty! I woke up this morning at 7 and went back to bed from 8:30-11:30. It's SOOOOOOO nice to be able to do this!

So.... we will see what tomorrow holds. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst---- that's what keeps me sane!